IHOP!!

so here it is. the flu. i knew it would catch up with me eventually. there was no way both aiden and alon could be sick and i wouldnt get it. it just took me a week to finally get the stuffy nose, the achey bones and the intense headache. i know thats whats making me vomit. ive never been one to have bad enough stomach pains to actually become ill. but you take a bad headache and throw in a mild case of vertigo and TA DA! barf city! so attractive i know. needless to say im taking the day off of work tomorrow. oh goodie im gonna be cooped up in the house with my dad all day while he goes on about who knows what. i love my dad but he aggravates me so much when im sick. i wish i could just pay for my plane ticket and eat some eggnog pancakes. holy cow that sounds good. yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum

LOVE YA!

Holy freaking crap could I have gone any longer of not writing in this freaking thing? yeah i probably could have but thats never good right? at least i have an honestly super legit reason for not updating. wanna know what it is?? I'M GETTING MARRIED! t hats right! you heard it here first. but wait, before i get ahead of myself lets back this crazy train up JUST a bit.

soooo i'm gonna take you back about a year and a half ago. id been going to my church for a little over sixish months and i loved it so much. unfortunately my attendence was kinda off and on considering i was with the ex at the time but when i went, mercy, did i ever feel amazing. Sooooo it was a wednesday night and I have gone alone. I dont exactly know why. either my dad couldnt come or he just didnt want to and like hell the ex was gonna come. he was so against church. anyways, i sat down on the left side of the church, a few rows from the front just kinda minding my own business waiting for the service to start and i looked up and there he was. well, there were two of him considering he has a twin but honestly, i never found chris to be attractive. chase says they are identical. i say ... suuuuuure babe whatever you say.

anyways! he was sitting two rows ahead of him and talking to a girl that was sitting in front of me. i was smitten. from that moment on, every service i kept an eye out for him. keep in mind i was still technically a taken girl and i was never one for looking at other men. when i was taken i was taken. but there was something about chase. he always got my attention no matter what.this was all during the fall, winter and spring months. needless to say i made sure to get a seat with a good view at church. summer came along and i had gotten the job at paivika so i was hardly ever at church and then james and i broke up yadda yadda yadda. camp ended and i was able to be in church regularly again. i never really saw chase though. it didnt ever seem like he was there. time kept on going, other boys came and went from my life, i never got serious with any of them though. it seemed like God was holding my heart out for something else, someone better. and then things just kinda ... clicked. i went into frugos with fletch after she and donnie had broken up and wouldnt you know it, chase worked there and after not even having exchanged a hello with this boy he came up and hugged me as if we had known each other all along when in reality i had always just been a creep and watched him from a distance. i probably could have died right then.



so yeah from that moment on i was kinda in there a lot. i probably made myself look pretty foolish but whatever. fletch and i even decided on shelley twin domination 09. she failed. i didnt. haha. i honestly dont know how to describe it but i had such strong emotions for this man. it wasnt a purely physical or purely emotional attraction ... it was almost like a spiritual attraction. its so hard to describe and i really didnt think anything would come of it because for the most part he would ignore me and talk to hudson. kinda hurt. not gonna lie. hudson, though, opened the door for us because as lame as it sounds after one paticualr night i actually broke down crying because my heart ached so badly for this man and in my mind i would never have him and it would be forever unrequited. obviously God had other plans. that night hudson shot chase a text kinda tellin him I was about it. chase texted me and really the rest is history.

it was one of those moments where i knew this was the man God had been preparing for me and me for him. I knew from the first moment he held my hand and i felt that ZAP in my toes that i was going to marry him. that he would be my husband. its all so unreal to me. ive found him. Ive found the man i am going to marry. now comes the fun part of actually planning the wedding. ive got a year to do it since we wont be tying the knot until october 9,2010 but still. you know me, i'm a neaurotic mess. so of course im stressing out about it now. put that on top of working 11 hour work days usually and you have one big ugly mess of me. not a good thing. chase must love me so much because he puts up with my tantrums pretty well.

i could honestly go on about him and my love for him so much. about how much i praise and worship God for giving me such a wonderful man. i love him so passionately, so faithfully, so VIOLENTLY! there is a fire in my heart for God and a .... i dont even know ... i just dont. the greatest feeling in my life is worshiping with chase. to stand in church and praise and worship our Lord with him at my side, holding my hand or with his arm around me. its so indescribable. i'm blessed. til the end of my days, til i take my last breath i will continue to shout it from every mountain top that i am blessed to love and be loved by the best man God could have ever given me.

the future Mrs.Shelley :p

Your name is glorious!

Freaking A I never update this thing! my life is just going cuckoo bananas right now. So much is going on. Between trying to get everything packed for moving, working full time, church and still trying to maintain some sort of social life. its INSANE! i dont know, im going through hard stuff that shouldnt be so hard. i feel like the only time i have peace is when i am at church, a place where i know i could scream, cry, pull my hair out and no one would judge, they would just love me. its a safe feeling. i'm only twenty one and i feel like im turning fifty! i feel this heaviness in my bones. i had a little bit of a freak out on poor hudson today. praise God for him. if i didnt have that boy i dont know what i would do. he just lets me be sad or angry or whatever emotion i need to feel at that moment. i was so upset earlier. i officially broke. and the poor guy happened to answer his phone. i felt bad after but so grateful to have someone that i can talk to and just get it all out. he really is what a true friend is.

i hate that i am so overwhelmed with things. i take on too much. i always have. the sad part is i KNOW i am taking on too much but i still do it. on top of working nine hour days i'm helping get everything packed up for the move when i get home on top of that i'm running crazy errands that take me all over the place and just doing TOO MUCH! i keep telling people they need to pray for stillness when i am the one that really needs it. im the one everyone comes to when they need to talk, or they need a favor. im freaking stoked people find me to be that reliably, i just need to catch my breath! i actually got the a place where i thought i could handle a relationship too. Obviously God knows my heart and limitations better than i do and squashed that real fast before i had any real chance of getting hurt. i was more frustrated with the whole thing. i've been single for over a year now and honestly i needed it. i needed to be single in order to get closer to God and to find my perfect companionship in Him. i wont lie though, this guy was a man of God and seemed genuinely nice. granted he wasnt everything i might have wanted in someone and maybe i wasnt insanely stoked on the lack of physical attraction, we had fun, we got along and he was passionate about God. in my mind that was enough. obviously God has other plans for me. i'm at peace with that though. i dont doubt God.i know He's got something good for me. or rather someone good for me.

i cant wait for the day i stop comparing myself to everyone else and i finally become satisfied with the woman i am. my biggest fear? finding that that satisfaction never comes. maybe one of these days i'll stop being such an insecure little girl hiding behind my own self inflicted walls.

i am constantly tired. no matter how much sleep i get i never feel rested. what is going on with you body? catch up already!

mommy wow i'm a big kid now!

I mentioned before that God totally blessed me with the job as a nanny and honestly, I couldn't ask for a better family to get work with. I can see myself falling in love with this family as a whole. I get along SO well with my bosses. Mama is fantastic. She is just one of those people I can pretty much talk to about anything, our senses of humor match up pretty close and I feel totally comfortable around her. She's totally laid back. And Papa, he makes me laugh so hard! He has such a good heart. You can tell that everything he does he does with the best of intentions. They are a family. It is so refreshing to see a family that is happy and functioning and from what I can see okay with things not being perfect all the time. Then there is mister Aiden. That kid ... let me tell you. He makes my life so interesting. He is such a flirt too. One of the things and is slowly becoming his favorite thing for us to do is when I am cleaning the kitchen he likes to run around the table and try to scare me while I'm at the sink. It is so dang cute. He did it for like thirty minutes today. Laughing his face off! It was the most adorable thing in the world. The funny part is when I was talking to my boss over the summer she had commented on how being a nanny when she was younger had given her baby fever. I always saw it the other way and always found it to be the best birth control in the world. But now, honestly, cleaning house today and just hanging out and playing with Aiden made me so excited for the day Father God is going to give me an amazing husband that I can start a family of my own with. It was fun going to the store today and doing the whole hang out thing. I mean, granted I'm just starting and who knows how I am going to feel in a week, a month a year even. I think I'm gonna be good though. I've always been one of those people who loves kids. I love love LOVE them. Every now and again though you'll run into that one kid that you can't stand. Yeah that is not my little guy. He is one of the happiest babies I have ever met. Yes, he does his dramatics and gets pissed off and has meltdowns but he is seventeen months. I'm twenty one and still do my dramatics, get pissed and have meltdowns so I'm thinking we're okay. I'm just so excited for this! Waking up this morning I was a little unsure because I was nervous. And then once I got there and we started hanging out it was great. I mean, mama was there when she got off work and he actually come over to me and wanted me to pick him up. That made me heart so happy. I'm so excited to bond with him and the family more so than I already have. It makes me happy that I can have texting wars with Mama or that we can send each other random pictures of Aiden being a crazy kid. Things like that make me happy to be a part of their world(cue little mermaid music here haha). I'm getting really stoked for what life has in store for me right now. God is blessing and providing ... if I ever asked where my provision was and doubted Him I can officially feel stupid. I've said it before though, thats my testimony. Always has been and it probably always will be. I'm ... THRILLED! haha what an old lady word to use and its just so fitting! until next time though(which i'm sure will be soon)

x

crazy days make for a crazy girl!! yikes!

It feels so good to just sit for a second and actually have a moment to think. the past couple of days have been go go go! Should we start at the beginning? Oh i think we should.

Tuesday:
Tuesday was kind of an annoying day to start with. I spent most of the day cleaning and arguing with my pops. I swear when that man gets in a mood he just goes on a freaking rampage and with the way i am i dont know how to just get out of the way. oh no id rather argue with him about why he has no reason to be as upset as he is. i'm my mothers daughter i cant help it! when i see someone being ridiculous im usually going to be the first person to point it out to you. not always a good thing. eh oh well. i got over it and it wasnt too long before sweener called me and me, her, and mike headed out to ontario. we were picking up mikes friend, umm ... oh crap what was that fools name? freaking a ... uhh ... CHRIS! i could picture his face in my mind i just couldnt remember his name. anyways, picked him up and we hit chipotle!! heck yes! mike and chris had never been there. something that i think is a little inappropriate. of course the whole time they ate it they talked about all the other foods that are better. i swear they are both lucky they walked away with weiners. the great part is, as much trash as they talked while they ate it they still ATE it. they both wolfed those burritos down so fast. so originally the plan was that it was going to be a night out between sweener and i but mike invited himself along and then felt the need to invite chris to hang out with us. THEN they decided we needed to go see transformers two. i didnt even like the first one why the hell would i wanna go see the second one? so being the big baby that i am i started naming off all the other movies that were out and turns out chis and mike are huge homos and really wanted to see the proposal. SCORE. so the four of us went and saw that instead of the other gay movie. i think the only person that was anywhere near upset about the situation was sweener and she loves me too much to honestly care about what flick we go and see haha. the movie was freaking great. none of us ever stopped laughing the whole time so needless to say she wasnt THAT upset about having to see a different movie. plus i think mike said he'd take her to see transformers another time. he is turning into an amazing guy and im so glad that he is starting to see how great the girl is that he is dating. i wasnt too sure there in the beginning. he was kind of a douchebag and i wasnt too stoked on the idea of him dating one of my best friends but now, yanno, i think im okay with them dating. he and i have hung out and he's pretty cool when he has his head on straight. now lets just hope he KEEPS it on straight.

so yeah, the movie was over, we drove home yadda yadda well i had gotten a hold of sharon and she and nicole were gonna go to paddys and shoot some pool and they asked if i wanted to come along. SURE. so yeah i got home and changed into something a little bit more comfortable and headed over to paddys. it was a good time. ran into some local fools that are always fun. lucky was in the most amazingly adorable mood and wanted to dance with everyone haha. it was cute and i could tell sharon was enjoying it. we left when the bar closed aka 2 am. mercy! but the night STILL wasnt over. it was decided that we were going to be heading to oceanside the next day to meet up with some boys that sharon "knew". which was totally a-ok with me. i mean, come on im from freaking oceanside why wouldnt i wanna go home for the day? soooooo nicole headed home, where sharon and i would be meeting up with her a little later(keep in mind its 2 in the morning!). sharon and i picked up the things we'd need from our houses and thats when nick decided to call me. SO not only did i have sharon picking on me, nick decided to join in on the fun. this continued all through wal mart while sharon and i picked up the stuff for the next day at the beach. sharon would say something and my phone would pick it up so nick could hear it and would find something about it that was worth picking on me about haha. THEY ARE EVIL. we were in wal mart for a bit of time. sharon always ALWAYS gets hit on. ALWAYS. this time it was a creepy old guy named frank and the conversation was centered around watermelons but it totally took a very perverted road thanks to frank haha. it was so funny and what did i do? well being the great friend that i am i freaking walked away hahaha. im a dick i can totally admit to that! what the crap did we do after that? ummm .... OH we drove over to luckys so that sharon could get a good night kiss. i was tempted to be a creeper and totall spy on them while they kissed but i knew sharon would beat me of i did and im not really ever lookin for a beating so i just sat there and minded my own business til she was dunzo. thank God the next part involved us driving to nicoles so we could sleeeeeeeeeeep! it was like four in the morning by this point. yikes! we got there, pulled out the fold out bed and got nice and cozy ... too bad sharon and i felt the need to have like, hour long pillow talk. we talked about everything. freaking love her guts.

wednesday:
it seriously felt like as soon as i had fallen asleep sharon was literally flopping down on top of me at seven thirty IN THE EFFING MORNING! yep only three glorious hours of sleep. f.m.l. not okay. nichole was harder to wake up than me though. sharon ended up throwing shoes at her haha. but eventually we got up and got our coffee made. i did my duty of calling and waking up nick and then it was time to get suited up! sharon had wanted to leave by like ... what? nine? yeah we didnt leave til ten thirty. she was a little pissed but i think eventually she mellowed out because she was having a good ole time at the beach! the water was effing FREEZING and for some reason sharon and i kept losing our suits. my boobs kept saying hi and her butt kept peaking out of her suit haha. nichole was the only one who had the body part situation under control. so yeah we swam for a while and decided to take a break. our stupid selves ended up FALLING ASLEEP on the beach. an hour of not moving and sleeping right under the direct sunlight. we were torched! i mean i have a great tan right now but that doesnt stop the fact that on wednesday i was hating my life.

we hung out at the beach for a little while longer before it was time to meet up with these dudes. right off the bat mathias was kind of a douche but i can usually handle myself quite well. we poked fun at each other for football and harmless stuff like that. then paul noticed that i have an engagement ring on my right hand and made a comment about how my ring was on the wrong finger. i explained to him about how it was my moms and she gave it to me for my eighteenth birthday blah blah so i guess naturally he asked me about my other ring? i dont know. and i explained how it was my promise ring. mathias asked a promise for what. this is where my night took the crappist turn. i told him it was my promise to remain sexually abstinent until my wedding night. oh mercy! this idiot didnt stop for the rest of the night. i nudge his foot on accident and he made a comment about how he abstains from footsies. then it gets brought up that im straight edge. this was just more fuel for his fire. i was so over this boy by the time dinner was over. i just wanted to smack him. we ended up going down to the water after dinner was over because the boys wanted to play football. that was cool. i wasnt really down to play, my body was really hurting me so i ended up getting dubbed score keeper. they played for a while and for some reason nichole, sharon and paul wandered off and mathias came over and sat by me. i was a little unsure of it because he has been such a righteous dick to me earlier. but this time he had actually been sweet, it was odd. we had a nice little conversation. it was nice. i was putting my guard down about this guy and just assuming that maybe he didnt know when to back off earlier. the rest of the group came back and we all decided it was time to hit the pool hall. good stuff right there. i had a new look on the night and was pretty stoked. yeah that went to hell. as soon as we're in a group he starts being a jerk again. and it just didnt end. at that point i just shut down. my feelings were so freaking hurt. SO hurt. it hurt me that no one stood up for me either. my friends just kinda stood there and watched as this guy just ripped me to shreds. that hurt. im not even gonna lie. the rest of the night just sucked. i didnt enjoy myself one bit. we finally left. luckily nick was just a phone call away and we talked for a little bit and he cheered me up. stupid idiot boy.

thursday:
what day is next? thursday? oh gosh. thursday was pretty mellowish. did a lot of running around to get things ready for my brothers birthday on friday. i dont really remember a lot of it though. kind of a blur. did i do anything big? i dont think so haha.

friday:
friday consisted of waking up to my dad freaking out because we were going out of town. he was playing a show that night and my brother and i were going to hit the beach. again i spent most of the morning arguing with my dad to calm down and quit wiggin out. eventually it was time to leave and the boquettes packed up and headed out. it was a good drive. we spent a lot of it singing the most ridiculous songs. those are the good times in my family. i love it. we finally got down to capo beach and my brother and i helped my dad unload his stuff and set up. said hello to a few people and then boned out. we had a beach to hit! there was just one minor detail my brother and i forgot. CAPO BEACH SUCKS! holy crap! it was so effing rocky and there was an obscene amount of seaweed. we played in the water for like ten minutes before giving up. it was cool though because my brother wanted to lay out and try to get rid of his farmers tan haha. he did a good job i think. while he laid out i got all my flight information taken care of so i can go and see the freak show at the end of this month. im counting down the days. you have no idea. we stayed on the beach til like six before deciding we were hungry. my brother got to pick of course because it was his birthday.what did he pick? carls jr. HA! that kid is so odd. after we ate we just kinda drove along the coast for a while. it was so nice.

i adore my little brother. i did a lot of thinking that day about him the fact that it was his birthday had me feeling all nostalgic. i love mike, dont get me wrong but the bond i have with jordan is so different. mike has been in my life since i can remember since my mom has been with his dad when i was like, three or whatever. but i was there the day that jordan was born. i held him when he was just a couple hours old. i can remember ever aspect of that day. i remember waking up at my then grandmas house and her telling me that i had a little brother. my cousin was so pissed. our step moms had been pregnant at that same time and we had both wanted brothers. he had gotten a sister. suckerrrrrr. a little later we all headed to the hospital. i was wearing a pink shirt that said, 'im a big sister', my hair was in a long french braid and i had jean shorts on with my light up sketcher sandles. i remember being really scared for some reason. i have no idea why. i didnt even want to go in the room that donna was taking me into. i was so sure that something bad was going to happen. i knew though, that lauran had just had a baby. my little brother but i was freaked out for some reason. i started to calm down a little when i saw that a lot of my family was already in the room. and then right there in the middle of it all was my little brother all wrapped up like a baby burrito. they had me sit down in a chair with my back to a window and they put him in my arms. it didnt really register what was going on right then. i was only six. all i knew was now there was this little dude in my life and everyone was staring at me. it didnt actually click that i was a big sister til like a month later when i woke up to go to the bathroom, and in order to get to the bathroom id have to pass his room. after i was done peeing or whatever i went into his room, he was just laying in his crib talking to himself. it was the middle of the night and everyone was asleep but me and him. he was just laying there wiggling and making 'cooing' noises. i remember looking at him from between the bars of the crib and sticking my hand in and him grabbing onto my finger with his little hand and squeezing it. it clicked. i fell in love. we'd have our tough spots where i could have killed him but it was at that moment that i knew it was a big sister that i knew id give up my life for that little bastard. its funny how you remember those moments at the most random time. i guess i hadnt really had a reason to think about it. but i sure did on his birthday. it was like falling in love with him all over again. my little brother really is the best thing in my life. he's amazing. he's my best friend. little jerk.

saturday, july 4th:
i spent the fourth of july feeling like a pregnant woman. all i did was puke. i woke up needing to puke. if that is what pregnancy is going to be like eff that i'll pass. holy crap i couldnt stop puking. i didnt actually get up til like one when my grandma came in and gave me a look telling 'GET UP'. luckily by mid day i was feeling a lot better. i could actually hold some stuff down and by the end of the day i was much much better. the whole family was at my aunts house, just swimming, bbqing and the like. typical fourth of july good stuff. i mostly hung out with my cousin terisa. didnt really feel like getting in the pool and battling my cousins for the right to swim. they are bigger and stronger than me. im not stupid haha. as soon as it started to get dark we all loaded up and drove over to my aunts other house in coasta mesa so that we could set off our own fireworks. to was pretty awesome! my cousins didnt go too nuts which was nice. and yeah, it was pretty relaxed with some surprises in there.

next came the crappy part. the drive home. there was so much effing traffic, riverside being the worst. oh my gosh! it was stop and go with not so much go. yikes. it took like three hours to get home. that was a huge drag. never again. finally got home, called nick, and freaking called it a NIGHT!

and now today im just relaxing. i took a shower and put my pjs right back on. i think im gonna throw on some work out clothes here in a sec and maybe go running a little so i can be in better shape when i get to my moms. but then again i might just sit around and do nothing. the past few days have been so effing hectic that i might just stay lazy for the day and relax!

this is kind of me just freaking out about my life...youve been warned

School is still over a month and a half away and im already stressing out about it. im going full time this go around instead of just a little bit. i wasnt even part time last semester. i took ONE class. i was lame i can admit that. my life is so weird right now. i dont know. part of me just wants to pack everything up and move to my moms or somewhere completely different. im planning on going to alaska with cole. I cant believe he actually agreed to go with me. its GREAT. i mean, not only do i have someone to go with but im actually going with someone i get along with and someone who can actually hang. i love love LOVE my friends but i dont know many of them that would find getting up in the middle of the night in the freezing cold to see the northern lights as a good time. its my dream though and cole is just crazy enough to come along.

the family that i work for, kristen my boss, is a teacher and talking to her is really helping me with figuring out everything for my life and all since thats what i am going to school for, to ultimately be a teacher. its also freaking me out though. im constantly feeling trapped by knowing exactly what i want in life. i dont know if this is a phase or what it is. but im sitting here and thinking about my plan for life.

*go to school
*meet the right guy
*get married
*graduate
*find a school to work at
*have children
*HOPEFULLY be a stay at home mom
*watch my children grow up
*grow old with the man i love

thats my plan. thats EXACTLY what i want. i know it all by heart but right now at twenty one im freaking out and wondering if that is really what i want. will i be happy with that plan? ugh what the frick is wrong with me!? this is my dream! and here i am second guessing myself. i know what brought it all on too. i was at the park yesterday with aiden and this park dad started to make conversation with me while aiden played with his sons. he just right off the bat assumed that aiden was mine. i dont blame him. young girl with a baby is not a rare thing in this town. but it was actually bothering me that he thought aiden was mine. that he just assumed i was his mother. and then i started looking around me, this was his life, taking his kids to the park and just hanging out. i dont want that. not at this age! i want to be a little kid again when i could do anything! when i was a little kid i wanted like five different jobs. i mean i actually cared about school. i havent cared about school since jr high when i cared more about fitting in. and here i am at twenty-one and frick just a week ago i was totally good with getting married, having babies and just doing whatever and now its like 'eff that i wanna actually do stuff!' i wanna travel, i want to experience so many different things. i know im just freaking myself out. i need to knock it off. i really am my mothers child. uncontrollably neurotic. freaking a.

i know what God put me on this earth to do. Ive always know. To be a mother. to love and nurture my children. im just being foolish and stressing out about something that doesnt even matter. im scared of something that isnt going to happen tomorrow.
im not having to give anything up right now. im just being silly. i know that.



ive always had this pressure though. not a pressure that anyone has ever put on me but that ive put on myself. ive always put this standard on myself that i dont know if it was on purpose, well, yeah, it was on purpose that i fell short. i made myself fall short of these standards that i put on myself. which just made me push myself twice as hard to try and make up for my own stupidity. im still that same person. i still do that to myself. im going to learn one day, at least i hope im going to, that i dont need to put standards on myself. i feel like i have to be this person for my moms side of the family. that i need to succeed because my mother has said shes putting all her hopes and dreams on me. i feel like i need to go to college and do a great job and live a great job to prove something to them. i feel like this is a standard that maybe pookie puts on herself too. im not totally sure. and then my dads side of the family, HA, any hopes or dreams they had for me im sure they are totally over.im not who i was when i was little and that just pisses them off. im not a little blonde girl who, wears dresses, listens to the backstreet boys and wants to be a veterinarian anymore. no now im the freaking hell spawn in their eyes. it hurts. especially when pops agrees with them. but hes a product of them. cant blame him for that.

i love that people feel like they can come to me and talk to me. i freaking LOVE it that they feel like they can trust me enough with the things going on in their lives. its a huge compliment and in the end i hope i can help them out with their problems and jazz. sometimes it kinda puts me on overload though. like, the problems are what dominates our friendship. that the only reason you call or the only reason we talk is because ultimately you NEED to talk. i hate that. i dont want to feel that way but its unfortunately how i end up feeling. what really takes the cake it when i need to talk and there doesnt seem to be anyone around when in reality there is always someone there i just am too afraid of making people feel the way i feel. i dont ever want someone to think the only reason i am calling or the only reason i end up on your door step is because i need someone. i hate that term too. 'need someone'. i dont ever want to need anyone but it happens that way.im too freaking prideful. its a shame.

i need to get to vegas. i need to just go to my moms and hang out. see my boys, love on my grandma, hang out with pook who is insane and just all in all be a part of the freak show that is my family. this weekend should be epic. hitting the mountain to hang out with everyone for colins birthday. that drive at night is going to suck but yanno, im not that worried about it. ive been going up and down that mountain my whole life.

im such a mess right now. and to be honest, reading this, i cant help but laugh at myself. im twenty one and im acting like im thirty and have nothing to show for my life. i need to take a freaking chill pill and relax holy crap.

yep vacation here i come. i need to start acting a little bit younger than i feel(and i feel dang near close to fifty blah!)

'and there was revelationS and it bugged me'

so my friggin life. what. the. crap. so summer started and everything was going dandy. i was all about it. everything was spiffy. yeah that was up until i quit my job at camp. im not going to go into it. its pretty much ridiculous on everyone's part but it is what it is honestly. my friends are pretty amazing though. before i quit i managed to see some of my really good friends that ive been missing for the longest time. i developed a womance. freaking epic. love love love it. and honestly things have just been so dang lazy the past couple of days. ive honestly just been hanging out with hudson and doing nothing. vegging on the couch and watching movies. enjoying a little summer vacation like i havent been able to do for a long while. oh well.

im so tired right now i dont even know why i am writing this. i was in bed. nice and cuddled in. but a boy told me to get up and chat with him on facebook even though were were texting. so i did. and now here i sit. speaking of this boy, mercy i have to tell you a funny freaking story. so last night hudson and i were freaking BORED. we could not think of anything to do. so we were looking at pets on craigslist and decided to check out the singles pages on there. its full of weirdos! so just for the heck of it were were both going to post on there, just to see what kind of people replied. we were going to post the same ad just different pictures. obviously a picture of him and a picture of me. i posted mine but freaking craigslist wouldnt let him post his because it was too much like mine. that sucked, but anyways, we waited a little bit and slowly but surely the replies started rolling in. we checked like ten last night thinking that was a lot. i woke up this morning and have effing THIRTY FIVE REPLIES! are you kidding me!? thirty five!? mercy! i cant talk too much crap because we replied to a couple of the dudes. only two. but one of them hud and i were given the chance to share The Word of God with him and help him to understand a specific situation going on in his life and then another person that i replied to was going through some really crazy crappy stuff and i was able to be there for him and just offer a shoulder for him vent to. i think its freaking great that out of something that we thought would just be silly i manged to kinda help or at least i hope help two people. they are pretty decent human beings too, or at least that is the impression i get from them haha.

tonight i went and saw both of hudsons bands play. it was a good time. i only stayed for one band though. after that i boned out and headed home. it was nice to be home and just relax. watched a little tv and then cuddled down in bed. i was so comfy and then friggin nic asked me to get on facebook. and i did obviously because here i sit updating this thing. haha.

this thing is so pointless. im over it. im gonna finish this conversation with hudson and go to bed. until the next time i feel inspired or something close to it haha.

"Mercy child you dont have to sing the shalma rama a ding dong song"

tonight was my first night of my international school of ministry class. i honestly dont know how i feel about it. i mean i liked the class. that was fine. then bobby started talking about tongues. oi. tongues has always freaked me out. always. ever since i was a kid and we went to a pentecostal church. no thanks not for me. to be honest i used to just shrug the whole spiritual gifts thing off. it wasnt until i got older and my walk got a lot stronger that the opportunity to experience the gifts that Father God gave to me presented themselves to me and i am so grateful for that. i honestly dont think tongues will ever be for me. that didnt stop me from getting freaked out tonight and feeling like a failure of my faith. everything was cool. got our lessons, got our homework all that stuff. bobby came up and started talking about our group discussion which was tongues. he read in the Bible where they used tongues and to prove that like the other spiritual gifts, tongues did not leave with the apostles. even that was fine. i was even diggin on tongues. and then it happened. he asked us all to stand up and that we were going to pray. okay im even good with that. then he tells us we're gonna pray out loud and if we have a prayer language to pray in it and if we feel that we are ready and willing to receive to request out loud for God to give us the gift of tongues. that would be right there where i wigged out. i tried. i honestly tried. i wanted to be able to pray like that. it just wasnt gonna happen. i seriously flipped out. i felt panicked. it was like being in an airport in a different country where no one speaks english and you know something big is happening. thats exactly how i felt. after it was all done everyone left and i kinda sat there a little bit longer thinking about if i wanted to talk to bobby or not. i decided against it, opting to call my grandma instead. she's amazing. seriously there is no better woman in this world than my grandma. she explained everything so perfectly to me. made me feel so much better about the whole thing. the best thing she could have ever said was, "Mercy child you dont have to sing the shalma rama a ding dong song". shes so cute. she reassured me that im not a failure of my faith. i just dont have the gift of tongues. if thats all it is then dude im totally good with it. totally not about it haha. i dont know if tongues is gonna always freak me out. heck, who knows maybe some day Father God will put it on me to speak in tongues. id really rather not though.

besides that, today was mildly uneventful. school was really all i did. i have a couple papers i need to get to writing. my life is going to be taking an insanely busy turn here pretty soon. between multiple sclerosis camp and then going to vegas to babysit for a week. after that camp starts up. BUSY BUSY! im good with it though. its summer time this is when my life starts to go crazy and i become part of the circus! i love it though.

and now im watching reservation road. it might possibly be a little too intense for me. we'll see if i make it through. yanno, my life is really looking up right now. God really is blessing me.

we come from the mountains

its so funny, the spot im in right now. this time last year i was working at chilis, dating james and getting ready for the most life changing summer of my life. i was so scared haha. i remember being so sick at camp, crying when anyone mentioned home. if i was crying a day into it and it was only staff week? how in the heck was i gonna last all summer. then james and i broke up. no joke, the best thing that could have happened to me. i dove into my work and just fell in love with the whole experience. working with my kids, getting to know my co-counselors. i made some of the best friends there. people who i bonded with for the simple fact that they understand everything thats going on because they are living it too. i love my work, its intense, but i love it. tonight i was thinking a lot about work. wasnt supposed to go that way. tonight hudson, tiff and myself had had every intention of going to the wcar and tgc show. scratch that, we DID go. it just got shut down before the show could even start. so yanno, slightly discouraged we drove home. we did hit chipotle though. that place always makes your life a little better. or at least make your day a little better. tiff tried to teach me stick. i got some annoying news though that just took me right out of the learning mood. and for some reason, i dont know why, from that point on we just decided to go for a drive, the three of us. it was needed, i wont lie. the three of us did a lot of reflecting. there were moments where the three of us would start screaming cheesy lyrics at the top of our lungs and parts where the music did all the talking for us. it was beautiful. the places where we were driving were up in the hills so it was dark and for the most part the only light was the light from the moon. it was so peaceful. we ended up going to tiffs old camp where she worked. it was cool to see her old camp. blows paivika out of the water size wise. they have their own lake! i thought we were cool with a heated pool.



it kinda makes me laugh though because just a month ago i didnt want to go back to camp. i was willing to push away something i loved in order to try and control my own life when i know for a fact that im not in control. i surrendered control of my life the day i gave my life to God. there is a reason He points me to camp. I think its because He knows how happy it makes me. to think, i was going to give it up for something as stupid as romance. not like there was anyone specific. its just never been a secret that a guy doesnt want a girlfriend that for three months is going to be gone for five to six days at a time and only have two days to be home in between those periods. when i see that, it honestly doesnt seem that demanding. at least not to me. but hell, my last relationship ended over it and most of the dudes ive talked to about it have said they dont want to be in a relationship like that. its only for three months though. one summer. thats it. but for some reason guys cant wrap their minds around it. it kinda sucks if you think about it. to me at least. the only guy i came close to dating straight up told me he wouldnt date me because of camp. he didnt want to feel left behind and needed constant attention. i have my friends telling me that eventually i'll find a guy thats totally okay with it. its a nice thought. i have faith that God is going to bring me my future husband. i have no doubt in that. some where right now He is preparing that man for me and preparing me for that man. its such an exciting thought really. i need to go back to camp. already two people have been put in my life that are looking for someone to talk to them about Christ and the summer isnt even here yet. one girl i talked with last summer but because my walk wasnt going so hot then i didnt really peruse her and instead of nurturing the seed id planted in her i just left it to fend for itself. WRONG. this year is going to be different. ive talked to her since then and shes actually brought it up and wants to talk more about it. and i guess one of my co counselors has a friend that is "kinda" a christian. i dont know how that works but he said she and i would get on great and he thinks id be an amazing influence in her life. that right there screams at me that i need to be at camp. i need to be up there, first of all doing work that i love, second of all two doors for ministry have already opened to me, and third i just need it. thats all there is to it. and thats whats going to happen. im going to camp. camp paivika here i come! i'm packing my bags and i'll be up there to spend my second summer and to be so freaking happy. if a man cant love me or even give himself the chance to love me thats on him because guess what, im worth it. im a daughter of the one true and living God. i KNOW i am worth love. if i am faithful so will God be faithful. it may not happen today, tomorrow, next year but when it does happen, oh man watch out because i know it will be a love meant by God. SO STOKED! haha. right now i need to focus on my precious Lord and Savior, getting ready for finals and camp. i just need to get ready for life. if I find someone to care about before camp and he thinks he can handle my intense schedule for summer, right on. if not, i have my faith, my campers and my mountain. watch out cause i'll freaking rock your face off. true story.

Cuddles with a freaked out Crina. Oh yeah for the hills have eyes!

this makes going to math a lot easier

ive gone mobile!

...i just had a whole blog written out and deleted it. to sum it up, i've got my blog on my phone now, not so good day, phone call from pastor eve tomorrow, three am and making no sense. i'll write more tomorrow. dunzo!

I NEED TO UPDATE!

....but that day is not today hahahaha. i'll update later maybe. i need to do crap right now. but i'll update soon. PROMISE

check the laundry

just got home from camp not too long ago. about well, four hours ago. it was an intense weekend. i honestly thought it was going to be more fun but none of us really had any paivikan spirit. we were all drained. i dont know why. just wasnt feeling it. so instead we were energetic when we had to be and not any other time. it wasnt horrible though. i had some great conversation with gene on the way down the mountain though. we were conversing about religion and how people should stop preaching and start living their lives by example. it was a great talk. i love talking about that kind of stuff with gene. he actually gets what i mean when i tell him that believing in something is not about having rules and strict guidelines but about a relationship with that which what you believe in. i loved it. tuesdai is in heat and WILL NOT STOP HOWLING. its getting a little old not gonna lie. i have owl pillows to make. i need to finish them. mom is going to be out her next week but honestly i have no desire. its a little obnoxious. i'm done complaining. i am going to go relax and maybe pamper myself a little so that i can get into the right state of mind and not be so tense!

til we meet again hahaha

theres gonna be a lot of pictures. youve been warned!

Man i am lagging on this thing. if my laptop wasnt crap i might be a little more motivated but alas i think that thing is doomed to be broken for forever. so i think im gonna finally update with my camp pictures and some pictures from the day with sharon. i meant to post them forever and a day ago but yeah, im not even gonna lie i suck. okay so enough of my boring talking. lets see some of my kids yeah!?


seriously one of the biggest smiles ever. love corey. he's always a blast.


DANIEL! tiny and i got so freaking excited when we saw that he was coming for the weekend. then she punked out so i got him all to myself. score!!


frankie d himself ladies! haha he was so stoked when he saw him. he freaking introduced me to everyone that came to drop him off. i love him though. he was there for the lake silverwood camp out i did so i was really glad to see him again.


not gonna lie, jamie and i bonded this go around. i had her during the summer but when you have so many campers with so few counselors its a little harder to get to know every single camper. but that weekend. we had like three girls and three counselors so it was almost one on one in a way. i was up late doing homework and jamie woke up and like, camp out and was just visiting with me. it was good stuff. and then there is ryan. they are such a cute couple. seriously.


the view from my work is the best. the end.


couldnt always understand him but danny was great. when he wanted your attention hed tug on your sleeve and say something like 'this this' and point to something. he was so cheerful though.


SHARONFACE! holy crap i have missed her so much! you do not even know. we had a freaking date day that was SO much fun! we went out to eat, went shopping, went to the movies. it was rad! i seriously didnt realize to the extent that i actually missed her til we hung out. she freaking gets me. so i can be just the total goofball that i am and shes the same way. she was such a trooper. she had had like, no sleep and lasted til almost eight something that night. or maybe it was past eight. i think it was now that i actually think about it. but yeah. so much fun. so missed her. not even kidding.


BEST BURRITO OF MY FREAKING LIFE! you do not even know. dont even try to know because i dont even know. my mouth is watering just thinking about it. mmmmmm


i love that the weather has been like this for a little while now. i love getting all bundled up and running to my class cause its raining or its so cold! having my whole body be warm except for my nose and cheeks. its the best. i love to drive in the rain or fall asleep to the sound of the rain beating down at my windows and roof.

hmm i guess i could write a couple things that are a little more recent. today wasnt the best. hung out with harlan, his wife and kids. it was what it was. i love my friends regardless of anything. honestly. valentines day wasnt too bad. i was with my dad. i love my pops. we just had a little anti valentines day ... day? i suppose i sort of had a valentine. a boy in my class asked me to be his valentine. hes a sweetheart. YES ITS HOT ENGLISH BOY SHUT UP! seriously haha. everyone is teasing me so bad about that. whatever you guys suck. ANYWAYS. haha i went and saw the movie coraline. FREAKED ME RIGHT THE HECK OUT. yeah i will never look at buttons the same. seriously. oi.

on a slightly serious note ...

i remember the day you were brought home from the hospital. i remember all the times we picked on you and made you cry. i remember the good days and the bad days. and im always going to remember this. i pray your heart wont break because of it but i know it will some day. i know i'll be there for that day too. i love you.

BLAH yeah, this whole thing sucked im sorry but honestly i cant think of anything. im so freaking tired. i need to go to bed. i probably will after this. or i'll actually lay in bed and read. i got a new book so im having a hard time putting it down.

oh man i was going through old pictures the other day and i found this one:

so random. me and san look like little pictures for a friend of ours that lives in new jersey. he was being an emo jerkface that day so we took these little pictures with little signs to try and cheer him up. who knows if it worked. i dont even remember. look how short my hair was. i kinda miss it to be honest. mercy im like sixteen in that picture. to be that young again. haha.

okay this is pointless. im done. im gonna leave you with a fantastic video that you better enjoy because its from one of the best movies ever made :]

He will never leave you nor forsake you

just got home from the sleeping giant show. to be completely honest i dont really remember a whole lot of the show. just little bits here and there. what i remember the most the time spent with God.

it was my brothers first show. i was so stoked for him that his first show would be sleeping giant. i was a little worried that he wouldnt know what to do with like, the pit and everything. kid can get down. he like went into the pit without a problem! i was so proud! haha. the first three bands werent band. we all agreed that while the first band wasnt bad musically the lead singer really had no stage presence. i cant even remember the name. oh well. the second was really good. hope for a home. really bueno. we all got into them. then came trauma. do i really need to say anything? nope i dont think so. needless to day they were phenomenal! and now the moment we were ALL waiting for. SLEEPING GIANT!

it was ... i dont know ... exactly what i needed? ive been feeling so hopeless so upset, so sad, so yeah hopeless is a great word to use. i havent been caring about anything. my flesh and the devil have been just pushing me down. the devil in particular. like i was saying to hudson the devil has been so in my face telling me that im nothing, to stop trying, to give up, making me feel so worthless. and then came tonight. it was like God was calling to me, trying to talk to me but i wouldnt listen. i would only listen to the world. to everything wrong and ugly. but tonight it was like God grabbed me and was screaming in my face, screaming so loudly, 'I LOVE YOU! IVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU! I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR FORSAKE YOU! WHEN YOU ARE SAD, WHEN YOU ARE WEAK, WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY, REJOICING AND STRONG CALL TO ME! I WANT TO BE THERE FOR IT ALL! NOTHING IS OUT OF MY GRASP AND EVERYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES I WILL GIVE UNTO YOU! THROUGH ME YOU WILL NEVER WANT OR NEED FOR ANYTHING! THIS IS MY PROMISE TO YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!!! i have never EVER heard God so loud and clear as i did tonight. He was speaking right to my heart. i couldnt help but start to cry. i have such ... i dont know a weight lifted off my shoulders because i know He will always be by my side. i dont just know it in my head now i know it and BELIEVE it in my heart. God is good always and forever. to believe that with every fiber of my being is so comforting. now i know why the world is so dark and ugly. now i know why people get so depressed and angry. because they dont give it all up to God. with Him all things are possible and i believe it.

tonight changed my soul. i feel so blessed. i was standing in a room full of people who were PRAISING God. PRAISING Him. the show was over, the lights were up and there were little groups broken off of people praying for one another. the guys in the band were praying with people. its a revolution that i WILL be apart of because i was washed in His blood and made anew in His mercy. im ready to be loud and proud about my salvation! to be one of many in His army fighting for souls and loving people to life through Him! im ready. all praise God!

Just a thought

sometimes i think itd be easier if i was a whore. at least yanno, then all the other stuff wouldnt matter i could just go out and get laid. but alas i have to have morals, values and above all else God. so yeah, it might be easier to be a whore but not better. oh well.

its a sobfest. you've been warned

the only problem with this stupid thing is i forget to update. the sad thing is, i have so much to say. im so frustrated right now im either going to explode or cry. to be honest i might do both. dont ask me why. i mean, i know why but at the same time i dont know. i feel conflicted. like, okay, im in school now, im working again(at a job i LOVE), i have friends that love me. then i think about other stuff. i'm not getting any thinner(then again im not working out either), the people i miss so much i never get to see, im frustrated with how my relationship with my dad is, im just plain PISSED OFF. i wish i wasnt! i hate not being happy. especially when i have no reason to not be happy. im not obese, my dad loves me regardless of the petty stuff, even though i dont see some people i know they still love me.

im just not happy. im sad. i dont want to say im depressed though. i hate that word. it makes me feel weak and powerless. out of control. i dont want to feel like that. because i know that with Father God all things are possible. I know that above all things i love Him and He loves me and that with that love i can overcome anything. im never really alone because He is always with me. i KNOW thats the true. but for some reason my heart still feels heavy. i dont get it! why am i fighting with my dad so much? we're always at each others throats. screaming and throwing things. how is that a good thing? i freaking cried! i havent cried because of a fight with my dad in a long time. i broke down yesterday. i just cried and cried. i felt helpless. between work and my dad i just lost it. i felt so pathetic after. not because i had a moment of weakness but because i let it get to that point.

im proud of my walk with God. how its progressed. it went from just knowing OF God to living with Him 24/7 365. i talk to Him all the time. just needing Him to be with me(which He always is) so how come i let myself become so consumed in everything and so overwhelmed instead of calling on God, who WANTS to be called on i just gave up and pretty much threw in the towel. said, 'life you win.' how could i do that? just give up. does God give up? im not saying im as good as Him but i was made in His image. you'd think id be a little stronger than i act. it freaking sucks.

its been like nine months since james and i broke up. i know thats not a super long time but its a pretty freaking long time. i know i dont still love him. i know that for the most part i dont even think about him or the relationship. im pretty good. not bitter or anything. and then he texts me. nothing special. he texted me last night just to pretty much point out the obvious that the steelers won the superbowl(of course they did i dont root for losers). i dont know why it bothered me but it did. just the fact that he feels like he can pop in and out of my life whenever totally bugs me. i dont text him. i dont even have his number in my phone. had i not been with hudson who knows james' number off hand i wouldnt have even known it was him. its so aggravating. how am i supposed to get over him if he wont go away? we've talked since the break up, face to face. everything that needed to be said was said. it should have been left at that but it wasnt. does he think im going to be like his past ex's and hook up with him now? no strings attached sex? yeah not happening. sleeping with him was a mistake. i would take it back in a heart beat. i wasnt walking with God like i should have been. i know for a fact had i been strong in the word and with Him i never would have allowed the relationship to get physical. it freaking sucks. but now, im abstinent and i didnt allow the situation to completely ruin me. God will heal you if you let Him and i so totally did. hopefully james will just go away. thats all i want. i want him to be happy but i also want him completely out of my life for good.

i wish things with rachel were different. i hate that we arent friends anymore. over something so ... silly! rachel was straight when we became friends. she was really good about her walk with God and being sober. heck she actually claimed edge! it was fantastic! and then she started slacking off on church. okay understandable. i wasnt even going to church at the time. then she started smoking weed. theres nothing wrong with someone making their own adult decisions right? then drinking. then sleeping with someone she wasnt married to. then came the pills. i couldnt take that anymore. i couldnt take any of it anymore! im trying to keep my own walk with God straight. keep in mind this is over the span of a year, in which i had started going to church, reading my Bible, getting my life together again. i started seeing rachel get super messed up. she couldnt handle life anymore. any coping mechanisms she had were gone. she was totally dependent on drugs. i didnt even ask her to quit! all i asked was that when she hung out with me she hung out with me sober. i didnt want to be around her when she was high. when i wasnt walking right with God i had tried to be the "cool sober friend". the friend that didnt smoke or do drugs but you could be open about what you did. i know now that that was a wrong way to live. in my defense i had told rachel from the very beginning that if she ever started using anything other than pot id stop talking to her. i didnt lie about that. i come from a family of addicts. i didnt pick my family. but i can pick my friends. why on earth would i pick addicts!? she just didnt get it. she kept using. when i finally brought it to her attention that i had had it she dropped me. it sucks. now i hear all sorts of horror stories about rachel. i dont know what to do. she and i were so close and now i dont even know her. i dont hear from sharon either. its sucks so much. what do i do? what can i do? ive been praying. i put it in Gods hands.

i miss my mom. SO much. i miss my grandma. i love going to my moms because its three generations of us. my grandma had my mom and my mom had me. there wont be another one like us til i have a girl. my grandma always says that too. she always tells me, 'sarah elena you HAVE to have a girl first.' its pretty cute if you think about it. they make me happy. i fit in so perfectly with them. with my grandma. she and i can sit there and talk about our walks with God for hours. its perfect. she has the most faith ive ever seen. her heart is for God and only God. she even tells me that she wants us to go on a mission together. id love that. to go and speak the word of Father God with her.

my 21st birthday is next month. why do i not see my friends doing anything for me? im not trying to sound ungrateful. honest. just sad. i tried to throw a really happy birthday for san on her 21st, i tried to make hudsons birthday fun, i try. i know i try. but when my birthday rolls around im usually the one doing all the stuff for it. this year, ive decided that i dont want to have a party. i dont feel like throwing a party for myself to be completely honest. so i think i'll have a little kick back with my family where we have some bbq and just hang out. if my friends want to do something im going to make that up to them. ideally id love to go to disneyland. a smallish group of us. maybe like ten tops will that happen. i doubt it.

wow this blog is just a pityfest. im probably just going to go to bed. OH WAIT I CANT! i still have to type my paper. oh nuts! at least my paper is written. it just needs to be type. i know its not the hard part but sometimes it feels like the hard part. to be totally honest i'll probably just save it til tomorrow before class. i really dont feel like it right now. its not on the top of my list for things to do. i kinda wanna go curl up on my bed and just snuggle with my blankie and go to bed.

im so stuffed up. im getting sick again. LAME. oh well. oh and i quit the whole vegetarian thing AGAIN. i just cant stick with it. i feel bad but it happens. im not going to eat red meat. i dont really like it any ways. just chickens, and turkeys ... so birds pretty much. yummy birds! this is losing its purpose. for some reason im really missing cassie. i miss going to the infirmary and hanging out with her on my offs and just hanging out with her. she always brightened my day. her and clare. they were my girls! i hope things can be that way when the summer starts up again. we'll see.

i think im done. school tomorrow. its a welcomed distraction from all of this.

pitty me pitty me

i hate feeling like ive missed a very important moment in my friends life. especially when i get to hear how great it was and i hear how excited everyone is in the background and i dont get to share any of that moment with someone who means a lot to me. sucks.

i guess i can be happy im going to camp tomorrow. i dont really care anymore

your mom goes to college

so yeah, its my first day of school. BIG DEAL FOR ME! i dont know exactly what i expected but this isnt it. its a lot different then i previously thought it was going to be. my english class looks like the work load is going to be intense but over all i dont think i'll do too bad. thats what im praying for anyways. i met someone. a girl. shes pretty chill. the guy i met earlier was a little odd. but i think overall his heart is in the right place. so yeah, english not too shabby. im a little bummed that my books for just english cost me $120. thats intense. seriously. so yeah, im gonna be in like, debt from school. that sucks. im nervous about my math class. its never been a strong point for me. so im praying that goes well. I know Father God isnt going to put something in front of me that I cant handle so Im really not that worried about it to be totally honest with you. thats all folks! im gonna go call pops now since im on break! i'll write more later probably haha

mercy!

first day of college tomorrow. scarrrrrrrry

eff downward bending dog

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
2 Timothy 2:15
okay so first i just wanna start with how freaking great is God? like seriously? i was in the house cleaning cause it was getting kinda gross. right in the middle of my cleaning my dad calls me outside. no idea what the heck he wants. i get out there and hes like 'look at the sky.' i look up and see the most beautiful sunset/clouds EVER. so i run back inside and grab my phone so i can take a picture(i would have used my camera but the batteries are dead. lame) its so beautiful. the way the clouds look. the first thing that came to mind was the ocean. i felt like i was under water looking up at the waves or something. it was so beautiful. it made my heart so happy to see it. seriously. i love the pictures God paints for us daily.

i havent blogged in a couple days. i know this because hudson has been on my butt to write. i honestly havent felt like writing .. oh look who called me. he wants me to write and then he calls me. how can i write when hes on the phone? gosh. okay, hes done picking on me now. oh! i ordered my hoodie today! sweeeet! im so stoked. i cannot wait to get it! work starts this weekend. in just a few short days i'll be back at camp. i cannot wait. its like, becoming my profession of the moment or something. its what i tell people i do. its the only serious job ive had in a while. its good stuff. i love that place. i mean, dont get me wrong im kinda nervous right now. the campers are a little different. there are more behavior problems because a lot of them are newer campers. so we'll see. hopefully i still got what makes me a good counselor in there haha. so i havent blogged in a few days so i guess there are a few things to talk about.

hmm well there was hudsons birthday. it was a big bash .. sorta haha. it was his three years away from thirty birthday ;] funny stuff right there. it was a camo themed birthday so yanno, everyone had to wear camo. only a few of us actually came in camo but eventually everyone had SOMETHING camo on. i got there around two i think? took some cupcakes THAT I COULDNT EAT lame. whatever. but yeah, a lot of the day it was just me hudson and harlan sitting around things picked up a little when jose came over, then rudy, then megan. so yeah. it was just hudson, the roommates, me, harlan, megan, rudy and jose. OH and harlans friend brittney. i had fun though. at one point of course the guys started to hardcore dance in the living room. why am i not surprised? haha. but yeah it was fun. i ended up leaving at like two thirty and everyone was still hanging out but i was tired and had a wicked bad headache. i always go home with a head ache from that place.

dan was taking my picture as i took his picture haha

then he blew me kisses, crazy boy for sure

im pretty sure harlan was freaking brittney out with his tongue(he has it split)

and this would be where all the hardcore dancing started. i just love the look on justins face haha

so in the process of waiting for everyone to show up i got bored and felt the need to color in one of hudsons tats just to amuse myself. i dont think it turned out half bad!

so for whatever reason, i really dont know, justin jumped onto hudson and just latched himself on while smoking a joint all the while hudson is screaming along to a song. it was so funny. it was one of the more random things ive ever seen.

oh rudy... he cut all his hair off ... and got REALLY drunk that night. oi.

the terrible twins! my favorites! yeah, i dont even know what to say about them other than they are both nuts and i love them dearly for it

honestly my favorite part of this picture is harlans face in the background lmao

nothing like a skinny white guy dancing. gotta love it.

that was pretty much the night. its pretty much safe to say my friends are nuts. end of story. but i love them and wouldnt change them ... well there are a few things but we'll leave that alone for the time being. speaking of my friends, hudson and i have becoming obsessed and when i say obsessed i mean INFATUATED with a day to remember. we cannot get enough of this band. i havent listened to anything else. its pretty sickening how much i might be in love with this band. seriously. some of the singing sounds like something you would have heard in early 2000 when like, starting line and those kinds of bands were really big and then it'll go into a straight up brutal breakdown. its so freaking gnarly. im in love. no doubt about that.

there really isnt a whole lot to talk about. i mean, days wise. i dont remember a lot of stuff thats really happened to be honest. when nothing happens my days just kinda run together i guess. i dont really spend my life thinking about every day. maybe i should though. i may not get a tomorrow. i dont know. ive been thinking about how i used to be. how i used to get so excited about simple things. i would take a picture of a spider or something and just be so stoked on it. i used to love taking pictures. i loved drawing. but most of all i love writing. i havent actually written something in the longest time. and obviously i dont mean blog writing because ive been doing this a lot. i mean writing. i dont write my stories anymore, i dont write my emotions or feelings. nothing. its so weird how people are put in your life. nothing has stimulated my mind to want to write. nothing has peaked my senses. and then there was a boy. i dont even know him. but oh my gosh, the way he writes. ugh. it makes me melt. regardless of who he actually turns out to be. hes turned something on inside of me. and i dont mean that sexually. i mean, hes the first person to challenge me intellectually in a LONG time. its so nice to have that. to feel like im having a conversation with someone that KNOWS what they are talking about and its something actually relevant to my life. a fellow artist. not just a fellow artist but a fellow writer. oh my gosh its so wonderful! hes a little weird but arent we all? i spent all day talking to him. hes out of this world. loved it. its made me want to start writing again. to pick up my novel that i havent touched since the start of summer, since james and i broke up. i havent wanted to write since .. what? june? may? seven eight months? ive never gone that long without writing ANYTHING. it feels so nice to have my creative juices flowing again. maybe this is what i have to look forward to when i get into school. being around more people who are interested in the same things i am. who are on my level and higher levels so that i have something to learn and grow from. potential mentors. im so excited!!!!



im so looking forward to the future right now. hopefully the ministry that God put on my heart will become fully manifested. harlan seems really stoked to do it. he kinda intimidates me but not to the point where im gonna back down haha. but yeah, he seems stoked on getting the word of God out there. so im gonna be praying about that. school starts up here pretty soon. good freaking times. im actually really excited to get back into a classroom. work starting back up. LOVE LOVE LOVE it! a prophet is coming to our church on wednesday. it should be interesting. harlan is actually coming even though he doesnt like my church haha. whatever. hes never been there so what does he know about it? hmm? thats right nothing :] im actually gonna be doing something tomorrow. really excited about that. my buddy dominique needs me to babysit. so tomorrow i get to hang out for a couple hours with mister handsome markus. im excited. i love kids more than i should but not in the wrong kinda way haha. okay this thing is getting too long and im super tired. im done for now. maybe i'll write again tomorrow who freaking knows.

oh look a coyote....

what a day what a day. things are so slow right now but i feel like a kid whose summer vacation is coming to an end. pretty soon here im gonna be back in school, im gonna be working again. the days of just doing whatever are coming to an end. even though i'm probably gonna be playing a little hookie to go see my boys play. shhh dont tell.

anyways, so yeah. i woke up today to my phone going off cause i got a text. or a few texts actually. so kinda laid in bed and played on my phone til i finally got out of bed and got ready for the day. IT WAS SHORTS WEATHER AGAIN! i got super excited. dont get me wrong i love hoodie weather but its nice to have a break and mix it up a little.

but yeah, kinda hung out some til my brother got off school and we decided to go visit my best buddy hudson for a little. we got there and i GUESS, we missed it, these two people got into a gnarly fight and like, seven cops were there or something. it was crazy. we saw all the cops and the dude but missed the fight. i feel kinda jipped. hudson felt the need to pick on me for what i was wearing and called me a scene kid. yanno, even though he was wearing black basketball shorts, a band tee and had a fashion mullet. yeah okay little hardcore kid. haha. it was funny. hung out for a bit and then boned out.

the original mission was to go to wally world and get some stuff for dinner. but i felt the need to drive by and see my friend anyways. walmart was INSANE. there were like crazy people everywhere and this lady got really mean to me when i was showing my brother that veggie bacon looks like dog treats. she smelled like dirt so i didnt really care too much. crazy hippie. after walmart instead of going right home me and my brother went up this street into these crazy mountains. yanno, just to explore. we are a exploring bunch, us boquettes. we like to just drive. like last night. my dad and i went to oceanside just to go. we went and ate at angelos and went to the beach. just for the heck of it. i freaking loved it though. anyways, yeah, me and my brother went and were just driving through these hills and finally went back home. i love that kid. we left the house around one and didnt get home til four. i felt kinda bad for being gone for so long but what are you gonna do?

i ended up taking a short nap when we got home. totally didnt mean to, i felt tired though and laid down on the couch to watch the boob tube and out i went. i woke up around i dont know, maybe five thirty? ate an orange and started to get ready for church. i got SUPER stoked because hudson was actually gonna come to church which never happens and crina came too. its not every day not one but TWO of my friends come to church with me. we had a guest speaker at church tonight. it was okay like, the message was good. but he spoke only spanish and his interpreter was slacking off a little. i felt bad that the one service my friends come to its not even my pastor speaking. hudson didnt seem to mind. tried to talk to joshua, yeah that didnt go over too well. whatever. we stayed after church for a freaking long while. the service is over at like 8:15-8:20 and i dont think we left til a little after nine.

ended up going back to hudsons where we played card games for like two hours. i pretty much dominated. i beat him at speed and war. what does he beat me at? go fish. go freaking figure. whatever. and then we just talked. thats the best part about my friendship with him. we can sit for literally hours and just talk. thats it. there is no pressure to do anything. we dont have to go anywhere or whatever. we just chilled on the couch from like eleven til one am talking. it was great. but yeah, i punked out and got tired. so yanno, came home.

FUNNIEST PART OF MY DAY! we get home, or at least to my house and pre usual we sat in front of my house for a couple minutes talking(are ya seeing a pattern? lmao) and like, we're talking about something kinda serious and out of nowhere there is a freaking coyote walking down the street. WHAT THE HECK!? like out of nowhere. granted i live in a small town and there are some fields in the area there are none by my house. its pretty developed around my house. it was so freaking random. oh man. and now here i am. sitting writing about my good day going on.

oh! new band im getting into or at least trying to get into but ive only heard the one song on their myspace, my first failure. totally getting into them. they're a hardcore straight edge band from germany. the best part? they are freaking fronted by a girl. LOVE IT.



okay, so not to sound like a total girl but this is my blog and i can say what i want. i think i now know why God hasnt put someone in my life. i know im young and all that jazz but, and i know everyone says this, you've gone through some of the things i have you mature a little quicker. ive been listening to a song by the weddind(super great christian band check them out!) the song is about the groom on his wedding day. its beautiful. anyways, why i think God hasnt put anyone in my life. i really dont think he has because do i still love james? no. do i still want to be with him? no. but am i still hurt from him? yes. he broke me. i gave him everything i could EVER give to someone. i think thats a hard one to get over. who really knows. my heart is still so broken. and i dont mean like i lay in bed and just cry and cry over love had and love lost. not at all. im a girl so of course im a hopeless romantic. thats besides the point though. james was my first relationship. my first boyfriend. the first boy i ever fell in love with. and the first boy to ever walk away from me. it sucked. it still sucks. to know he is seeing other girls. to know that i was so much easier for him to get over because he had had other girls in his life. that stung. im not gonna lie. even though i dont want to be with him anymore. even though i dont still cry about him. im not healed yet. i think God knows that i have work to do on myself. on my heart. that i have to get back to that place of knowing that my love is enough. that i am good enough to love and be loved. i have to pull myself back up before i can be with someone. before i can be to the point of completely being healed and made whole again by that companionship that people look for in a partner. im good with it though. i came to the conclusion and realization that that is what needs to be done in my life. i might be over james but im not over the broken heart he gave me. if that makes sense. i hope it does. even if it doesnt to you. it makes sense to me. and i know that some day the things in the song that im in love with, 'revelation' by the wedding will happen. a man will love me and make me his wife, mother of his children and partner in crime. when that time comes i'll be ready because i know God will send him to me when God knows the time is right. I have faith in my God. always and forever.

hmmm i was gonna have some melon but now i think im just gonna get some sleep. or at least go lay in bed. im sleeeeeeeeeeeeepy.
OH OH OH ps! my boys have a show coming up on the 29th. so if you like hardcore you HAVE to freaking come! they are doing kind of a battle of the bands type deal. tickets are only twelve bucks. you know you wanna. if nothing else totally check out their myspace(click the pictuuuuuuure) and check out their freaking gnar songs!

i miss this :[

i miss camp so much right now. i miss camp, i miss clare, i miss cassie, i miss living in a world were all the ugliness in the real world doesnt excist. only 11 more days til i go back! cant wait!!!!

the post office closes at 4:30

so today was a pretty laid back day. didnt really do much. picked up my brother, rode my bike, read my Bible and watched some crazy tv show about life guards. i had a good day i think. laid back but good. hopefully i'll get to see fletcher here pretty soon. i miss her soooooooo much! she moved back down to the real world so its a little easier and not so pricey because of gas to go see her. so sunday morning rolled around and i found out my bike tires were flat. so no bike ride to church :[ kinda broke my heart. today however i filled up my tires and freaking rode my bike like CRAZY! it was great. first bike ride of the year!!

ISNT MY BIKE BEAUTIFUL??? i really want streamers and a basket for it. i think that would be fantastic. so hopefully for my birthday i'll get one if not both of those things. my birthday is about three months away? yeah about that. maybe more like two and a half months. im pretty stoooooooooked. but yeah, my brother and i rode our bikes to the post office. we got there at 4:38 and got to find out they close at 4:30. it was grand.
i start work back at camp on the 23rd. im so stoked. ive missed camp a whole freaking lot. i wonder who is gonna be working there. i know elianna and jody. itd be cool to see some of the old faces from summer for sure.

i want this hoodie so bad. its a pro life hoodie and if you know me at all you know i am one of those people who despises abortions. i dont see any situation where someone could justify killing a baby. so yeah, the shirt kinda gets the point across. they are killing babies every day but maybe it would bother the world a little more if they used guns to kill those babies. cause thus far, people seem a little too okay with 'medical termination of pregnancy'. sickening for sure.

yesterday was pretty amusing. i hung out with crina after church. it was fun. we went to the mall just to walk around and kinda check out some stores. not biggie. then we decided we were hungry. crina works at russos so we get totally cheap food. yesssss. this is where it gets pretty amusing. we pull up and i see a hummer and i look at crina and kinda give her a face and tell her i think its my ex's moms car. she doesnt believe me. then i see the license plate and i KNOW its her car. we think about it for a minute and decide we still wanna go in and eat. walking in we see that EVERYONE is there. and when i say everyone i mean every single one of my ex's friends, my ex, and his mom. oh no not awkward at all. you see they dont like crina or me. the whole meal we heard them talking about us and it made it really uncomfortable. we ended up leaving before them, and pretty much just had to laugh at the whole thing. they are all at least 5 years older than crina and i but they were the ones acting like little high school kids. so yeah, after that we drove out to redlands to get some jamba juice. it was fun times. just having some girl talk, singing along to the backstreet boys and giggling at crinas road rage. its pretty freaking hilarious.
my night pretty much came to an end, or so i thought when crina dropped me off. NOPE. ended up calling hudson because hes one of my best friends and for some reason neither of us can really go all that long without talking to each other lol. we decided we wanted to play some bored games, which ended up just being one board game but whatever. i won so who cares. i think its the first time that ive ever beaten someone at upwords. i was quite proud. harlan ended up coming over and the three of us(hudson, me and harlan) just sat around for a few hours talking about God among other things. it was great. gotta love that fellowship. i had to leave and come home though because my head was just KILLING me. i thought it was gonna make me throw up. but no, after a prayer to God and some sleep i felt so much better in the morning. gotta love those healings! and thats pretty much it. like i said, i might see fletch but if not, im gonna just chill at home and read some more Bible and do whatever. should be good times!!

yay for sunday! sunday is a fun day!

hahaha so i so totally love my church. my pastor is such a goofball. but then he gets like INSANELY serious. he'll sit there and make fun of starbucks for the longest time and then jump right into how if youre 'sinnin good youre livin bad'. love that guy. the message was good today. justin and hudson were supposed to come to church but they punked out. surprise surprise. oh well, maybe i can drag them to wednesday night. its kinda hard for hudson to do stuff cause he let his friend(whose wife is gonna have a baby) barrow his car. WHATEVER.



today is kind of a go with the flow kind of day. i might hang out with crina. i miss her faced a whole freaking lot. that would be nice. but to be honest, i didnt take a shower last night so i think i should probably go take one. im kind stinky. gross. i wish this wind would go away! its making things all staticy and im getting shock when i touch anything! bah!

turn the kitchen light off while youre at it!!

tonight was a blast for sure. i spent most of the day at home just doing some stuff, cleaning and what have you. when you are paying your monthly bill you arent exactly always in the mood to go out and do stuff. i didnt really venture out until after eleven at night. hudson was bored and told me to come over and watch a movie. we like to have a movie night as much as we can so i was totally down. as soon as i go there i was just in this mood. not a bad mood. a freaking STOKED mood. i was just having fun doing whatever. i dont know why i was just in a good freaking mood. the night started out with hudson and i watching willow. such.a.good.movie! seriously. we havent watched it in YEARS. so we were both pretty stoked on it. we didnt exactly finish though. about half way into the movie justin came in and was saying they were gonna watch the exorcist. so totally couldnt miss out. dragged hudson out to watch the movie(which he really REALLY didnt wanna watch) and pretty soon there were four of us crammed on a little couch, harlan chillin eatin food while i cant and justin(who wanted to watch the movie to start with) having to sit in this uncomfortable kitchen table chair. SO FUNNY!!

we came to the conclusion that hudson has a very patched beard. no bueno!!!


this pretty much sums up our relationship. i hate him and he LOVES me hahahaha


he was explaining the importance of being close enough with your friends that you can actually pick their nose for them. too bad his pinky is bigger than my thumb...


i might be straight edge but my friends most def. arent ... hmmm :\


this is about when justin came in and talked us into watching the exorcist. hudson threw a fit cause he didnt wanna watch it. which in turn made justin get a little upset because it was his favorite movie. hudson threw back in his face that justin hates his favorite movie(princess bride) and like any other americans the two of them started quoting the freaking movie. oh man haha


holy crap i about peed myself. when we came out to watch the movie we were all sitting down, everyone was getting excited to watch a good flick and then you hear battle axes? wth? yeah hudson had left willow on in the other room. all of us start laughing because this face pops up on justin in like two millaseconds! everyone starts laughing because justin goes on this tangent about waisting electricity and all this other stuff. so after he turns off the tv and SITS BACK DOWN tim makes the comment that the kitchen light is still on so again justin gets up and turns off the light. while he was up hudson yells for him to get him something to drink. what does justin do? throws a mountain dew bottle at hudson, managing to miss me, tim and megan all in the process. it was a very good through for sure. his face was freaking priceless throw. just how upset he got over the tv being left on hahahaahaha


by the end of it all we were all pretty amused. so yeah, my night ended up really freaking great. and now its four in the morning and i have church at eight. i honestly think im just gonna stay up. maybe take a shower, read some Bible stuff and then ride my bike up to church. why not? i live in walking distance of the church, i can so totally ride my bike. hudson and i are gonna start a gang. cyclists for Christ. heck yes!! its gonna shred for sure! okay im gonna go do something else now. maybe eat and orange and like i said, shower. all in all fantastic night. cant wait for hudsons camo birthday party on friday. should be good times!!!

because a phone call wont let me look you in the eye

so i meant to write this on sunday but i think ... what the heck did i do on sunday that kept me from writing this? i went to church and i think i went to my brothers but i dont know what else i did. huh maybe i just didnt feel like writing. WAIT! i went to sunday night live at my church. okay now i know why sunday went by so freaking fast lol. seriously, im really jealous of my pastors marriage. like, i hope when God blesses me with a husband i can have as functioning of a marriage as them. its great to see them interact during a service. pastor will say something and eve(his wife) will chime in from her seat in the front and he'll say something like, 'oh thats right. everyone thank my lovely wife for fixing my mistake.' its pretty adorable. they act like that outside of church too. its crazy how fantastic their marriage is. and its not just them. bill and robyn(my bible study leaders) are the same way. you can just tell they are so freaking passionate about each other. its insane.

so onto a topic that actually has blown my mind. like literally BLOWN my mind. okay so public opinion of christians is that we're nuts. plain and simple. we worship this invisible dude in the sky who supposedly died and then came back and now if you believe he died and came back you get to live in the sky too. i know i know. if i wasnt a believer id think it was crazy too. but i AM a believer so it is actually a pretty amazing thing really. anyways, when i was in vegas visiting my mom i went to church with my grandma. it was kinda weird cause, like, for me at least when you get really invested in a church and its where you are spiritually fed and everything when you go to another church its just weird. i know my pastor. i can read between the lines, i understand his sense of humor and jazz like that. i went to this church with my grandma and nothing really was standing out for me. i was actually quite bored with the whole place. nothing was being put on my heart. even during praise and worship, my FAVORITE part of the whole service i was just standing there watching how it seemed like right on freaking que everyone would raise their hands to God. like they had rehearsed it or something. lame. and then out of nowhere BAM God totally grabs me and all of a sudden im listening to the service like its the last time im ever going to hear The Word again. he(the pastor) starts reading from john and most of it i didnt know why God wanted me to listen so badly. and then i heard this; John 16:8-11 When he comes, he will convict the world of guilt in regard to sin and righteousness and judgment: in regard to sin, because men do not believe in me; in regard to righteousness, because i am going to the Father, where you can see me no longer; and in regard to judgment because the prince of this world now stands condemned that blew me away. just the word itself. you mean to tell me that all this time, all this stupid time ive been looking at people who knowingly sin and thinking its wrong was actually wrong of me? what the heck? that the Bible, the word of God is actually saying that I as a christian am only supposed to hold people accountable for ONE sin? the only sin that matters. and that is whether or not they are believers and followers of Christ. IN REGARD TO SIN, BECAUSE MEN DO NOT BELIEVE IN ME it was like something was being taken off my shoulders. as a christian im called to do as Jesus did. love the word as he loved the world. but thats so hard to do when you think there is so much freaking wrong with the world. when you break it down like that though its still just as hard but not as complicated. i know im supposed to help bring people in the saving knowledge of Jesus and by doing that the other problems will work themselves out. it was an amazing lesson to learn and Im so glad God put it on my heart to learn it.

but yeah, its the start of the new year and im seriously gonna be waaaaaaaay more disciplined in the word. i need to be taking time out for God and JUST God every day unlike before when it was so sporadically.

okay its after one. bed time.

the new years a new outlet

so i figured since it was the new year id start a new journal. and yanno, since blogging is all the rage or at least it was who really cares, i got one haha. the closest to blogging i ever got was writing on my myspace. but im slowly getting bored with that too. people are so fake online. its like we're all actors and the internet is our stage. im kind of over it. im still doing a mild tango with facebook but who knows if i'll really keep up with that either. but until then i have this new snazzy blog haha. its something to do. a creative outlet i suppose. and i can write in it whenever i want. as apposed to my blog on myspace when i only wrote when i had something profound to say. here i can just talk about how much i love water or something. and i do. i really do. i found a whole new love for water today. my dad got a brita for christmas. holy crap it makes water taste so delicious. you see, with the new year my church did this thing where we are going to be doing a church wide fast. we dont have to give up EVERYTHING. just something for God. so i gave up soda. may not seem like a lot to you but for me thats a big deal. i love pop. i felt myself really jacked up yesterday with a headache because i was having like caffeine withdrawls. it sucked. but im a lot better today. i felt kinda sick this morning but i think thats because my dad passed something onto me. he's been feeling sick the past couple of weeks. oh joy. I LOVE STUFFY NOSES! for the most part though its fine. ive been drinking a lot of water. its so great. plus i made the decision to try out being a veggie again. i honestly feel so much better when im not eating meat. im happier when im only eating the right things. now, i cant be a vegan. no freaking way. i love me a grilled cheese sandwich waaaaaay too much to give up all of that jazz. but cutting out meat? not a big deal at all. i was doing really good about being healthy earlier last year i did really great up until camp ended in august. then it all went to hell. ive gained a lot of weight. everyone says they dont see if but i FEEL it. i feel heavier and maybe its not as much weight as i think but i feel heavy. which means its time to get healthy again. i wanna look into yoga classes. ideally id have someone go with me. i however do not have a lot of local friends haha. we'll see we'll see. i did make a resolution this year. and it was to not make any resolutions. i hate that word. i mean honestly. does anyone ever keep their new years resolutions? probably not. why not make a commitment or a promise to yourself to do right by your body, mind, soul, friends, family ect ect? like, my plan to get healthy again isnt a resolution. its a freaking promise im making to my body. i only get one of these things i better do right by it. thus eating right, working out, and just overall taking care of myself. besides, i have problems with depression as it is, i dont need any help from bad foods making me feel yucky. im kinda sad that its new years. that means its january. that means the cold weather is gonna stop in a couple months. i love getting all bundled up for bed. HAHA not expecting me to say bed right? i do though. i like being in long johns and socks and then climbing into my awesome big comfy bed with tuesdai cuddling with me. its great. its gonna suck when it gets hot again and i have to take all the padding off my bed. believe me, i padded that sucker big time this year. two big down comforters, a smaller blanket and a quilt my grandma made me. its fantastic. in past years ive needed an electric blanket to keep warm. not this year. just an abundance of blankets and one kitty haha. its great i love it. i feel really optimistic and excited about this year. there are so many things ready to happen. work, school, life. its gonna be great. im gonna do my best not to be jaded to things this year. jump in head first and be ready for everything that comes this way. God blessed me with another year, im gonna make it the best i possibly can!!