theres gonna be a lot of pictures. youve been warned!

Man i am lagging on this thing. if my laptop wasnt crap i might be a little more motivated but alas i think that thing is doomed to be broken for forever. so i think im gonna finally update with my camp pictures and some pictures from the day with sharon. i meant to post them forever and a day ago but yeah, im not even gonna lie i suck. okay so enough of my boring talking. lets see some of my kids yeah!?


seriously one of the biggest smiles ever. love corey. he's always a blast.


DANIEL! tiny and i got so freaking excited when we saw that he was coming for the weekend. then she punked out so i got him all to myself. score!!


frankie d himself ladies! haha he was so stoked when he saw him. he freaking introduced me to everyone that came to drop him off. i love him though. he was there for the lake silverwood camp out i did so i was really glad to see him again.


not gonna lie, jamie and i bonded this go around. i had her during the summer but when you have so many campers with so few counselors its a little harder to get to know every single camper. but that weekend. we had like three girls and three counselors so it was almost one on one in a way. i was up late doing homework and jamie woke up and like, camp out and was just visiting with me. it was good stuff. and then there is ryan. they are such a cute couple. seriously.


the view from my work is the best. the end.


couldnt always understand him but danny was great. when he wanted your attention hed tug on your sleeve and say something like 'this this' and point to something. he was so cheerful though.


SHARONFACE! holy crap i have missed her so much! you do not even know. we had a freaking date day that was SO much fun! we went out to eat, went shopping, went to the movies. it was rad! i seriously didnt realize to the extent that i actually missed her til we hung out. she freaking gets me. so i can be just the total goofball that i am and shes the same way. she was such a trooper. she had had like, no sleep and lasted til almost eight something that night. or maybe it was past eight. i think it was now that i actually think about it. but yeah. so much fun. so missed her. not even kidding.


BEST BURRITO OF MY FREAKING LIFE! you do not even know. dont even try to know because i dont even know. my mouth is watering just thinking about it. mmmmmm


i love that the weather has been like this for a little while now. i love getting all bundled up and running to my class cause its raining or its so cold! having my whole body be warm except for my nose and cheeks. its the best. i love to drive in the rain or fall asleep to the sound of the rain beating down at my windows and roof.

hmm i guess i could write a couple things that are a little more recent. today wasnt the best. hung out with harlan, his wife and kids. it was what it was. i love my friends regardless of anything. honestly. valentines day wasnt too bad. i was with my dad. i love my pops. we just had a little anti valentines day ... day? i suppose i sort of had a valentine. a boy in my class asked me to be his valentine. hes a sweetheart. YES ITS HOT ENGLISH BOY SHUT UP! seriously haha. everyone is teasing me so bad about that. whatever you guys suck. ANYWAYS. haha i went and saw the movie coraline. FREAKED ME RIGHT THE HECK OUT. yeah i will never look at buttons the same. seriously. oi.

on a slightly serious note ...

i remember the day you were brought home from the hospital. i remember all the times we picked on you and made you cry. i remember the good days and the bad days. and im always going to remember this. i pray your heart wont break because of it but i know it will some day. i know i'll be there for that day too. i love you.

BLAH yeah, this whole thing sucked im sorry but honestly i cant think of anything. im so freaking tired. i need to go to bed. i probably will after this. or i'll actually lay in bed and read. i got a new book so im having a hard time putting it down.

oh man i was going through old pictures the other day and i found this one:

so random. me and san look like little pictures for a friend of ours that lives in new jersey. he was being an emo jerkface that day so we took these little pictures with little signs to try and cheer him up. who knows if it worked. i dont even remember. look how short my hair was. i kinda miss it to be honest. mercy im like sixteen in that picture. to be that young again. haha.

okay this is pointless. im done. im gonna leave you with a fantastic video that you better enjoy because its from one of the best movies ever made :]

He will never leave you nor forsake you

just got home from the sleeping giant show. to be completely honest i dont really remember a whole lot of the show. just little bits here and there. what i remember the most the time spent with God.

it was my brothers first show. i was so stoked for him that his first show would be sleeping giant. i was a little worried that he wouldnt know what to do with like, the pit and everything. kid can get down. he like went into the pit without a problem! i was so proud! haha. the first three bands werent band. we all agreed that while the first band wasnt bad musically the lead singer really had no stage presence. i cant even remember the name. oh well. the second was really good. hope for a home. really bueno. we all got into them. then came trauma. do i really need to say anything? nope i dont think so. needless to day they were phenomenal! and now the moment we were ALL waiting for. SLEEPING GIANT!

it was ... i dont know ... exactly what i needed? ive been feeling so hopeless so upset, so sad, so yeah hopeless is a great word to use. i havent been caring about anything. my flesh and the devil have been just pushing me down. the devil in particular. like i was saying to hudson the devil has been so in my face telling me that im nothing, to stop trying, to give up, making me feel so worthless. and then came tonight. it was like God was calling to me, trying to talk to me but i wouldnt listen. i would only listen to the world. to everything wrong and ugly. but tonight it was like God grabbed me and was screaming in my face, screaming so loudly, 'I LOVE YOU! IVE ALWAYS LOVED YOU AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU! I WILL NEVER LEAVE YOU NOR FORSAKE YOU! WHEN YOU ARE SAD, WHEN YOU ARE WEAK, WHEN YOU ARE ANGRY, REJOICING AND STRONG CALL TO ME! I WANT TO BE THERE FOR IT ALL! NOTHING IS OUT OF MY GRASP AND EVERYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES I WILL GIVE UNTO YOU! THROUGH ME YOU WILL NEVER WANT OR NEED FOR ANYTHING! THIS IS MY PROMISE TO YOU ALWAYS AND FOREVER BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!!! i have never EVER heard God so loud and clear as i did tonight. He was speaking right to my heart. i couldnt help but start to cry. i have such ... i dont know a weight lifted off my shoulders because i know He will always be by my side. i dont just know it in my head now i know it and BELIEVE it in my heart. God is good always and forever. to believe that with every fiber of my being is so comforting. now i know why the world is so dark and ugly. now i know why people get so depressed and angry. because they dont give it all up to God. with Him all things are possible and i believe it.

tonight changed my soul. i feel so blessed. i was standing in a room full of people who were PRAISING God. PRAISING Him. the show was over, the lights were up and there were little groups broken off of people praying for one another. the guys in the band were praying with people. its a revolution that i WILL be apart of because i was washed in His blood and made anew in His mercy. im ready to be loud and proud about my salvation! to be one of many in His army fighting for souls and loving people to life through Him! im ready. all praise God!

Just a thought

sometimes i think itd be easier if i was a whore. at least yanno, then all the other stuff wouldnt matter i could just go out and get laid. but alas i have to have morals, values and above all else God. so yeah, it might be easier to be a whore but not better. oh well.

its a sobfest. you've been warned

the only problem with this stupid thing is i forget to update. the sad thing is, i have so much to say. im so frustrated right now im either going to explode or cry. to be honest i might do both. dont ask me why. i mean, i know why but at the same time i dont know. i feel conflicted. like, okay, im in school now, im working again(at a job i LOVE), i have friends that love me. then i think about other stuff. i'm not getting any thinner(then again im not working out either), the people i miss so much i never get to see, im frustrated with how my relationship with my dad is, im just plain PISSED OFF. i wish i wasnt! i hate not being happy. especially when i have no reason to not be happy. im not obese, my dad loves me regardless of the petty stuff, even though i dont see some people i know they still love me.

im just not happy. im sad. i dont want to say im depressed though. i hate that word. it makes me feel weak and powerless. out of control. i dont want to feel like that. because i know that with Father God all things are possible. I know that above all things i love Him and He loves me and that with that love i can overcome anything. im never really alone because He is always with me. i KNOW thats the true. but for some reason my heart still feels heavy. i dont get it! why am i fighting with my dad so much? we're always at each others throats. screaming and throwing things. how is that a good thing? i freaking cried! i havent cried because of a fight with my dad in a long time. i broke down yesterday. i just cried and cried. i felt helpless. between work and my dad i just lost it. i felt so pathetic after. not because i had a moment of weakness but because i let it get to that point.

im proud of my walk with God. how its progressed. it went from just knowing OF God to living with Him 24/7 365. i talk to Him all the time. just needing Him to be with me(which He always is) so how come i let myself become so consumed in everything and so overwhelmed instead of calling on God, who WANTS to be called on i just gave up and pretty much threw in the towel. said, 'life you win.' how could i do that? just give up. does God give up? im not saying im as good as Him but i was made in His image. you'd think id be a little stronger than i act. it freaking sucks.

its been like nine months since james and i broke up. i know thats not a super long time but its a pretty freaking long time. i know i dont still love him. i know that for the most part i dont even think about him or the relationship. im pretty good. not bitter or anything. and then he texts me. nothing special. he texted me last night just to pretty much point out the obvious that the steelers won the superbowl(of course they did i dont root for losers). i dont know why it bothered me but it did. just the fact that he feels like he can pop in and out of my life whenever totally bugs me. i dont text him. i dont even have his number in my phone. had i not been with hudson who knows james' number off hand i wouldnt have even known it was him. its so aggravating. how am i supposed to get over him if he wont go away? we've talked since the break up, face to face. everything that needed to be said was said. it should have been left at that but it wasnt. does he think im going to be like his past ex's and hook up with him now? no strings attached sex? yeah not happening. sleeping with him was a mistake. i would take it back in a heart beat. i wasnt walking with God like i should have been. i know for a fact had i been strong in the word and with Him i never would have allowed the relationship to get physical. it freaking sucks. but now, im abstinent and i didnt allow the situation to completely ruin me. God will heal you if you let Him and i so totally did. hopefully james will just go away. thats all i want. i want him to be happy but i also want him completely out of my life for good.

i wish things with rachel were different. i hate that we arent friends anymore. over something so ... silly! rachel was straight when we became friends. she was really good about her walk with God and being sober. heck she actually claimed edge! it was fantastic! and then she started slacking off on church. okay understandable. i wasnt even going to church at the time. then she started smoking weed. theres nothing wrong with someone making their own adult decisions right? then drinking. then sleeping with someone she wasnt married to. then came the pills. i couldnt take that anymore. i couldnt take any of it anymore! im trying to keep my own walk with God straight. keep in mind this is over the span of a year, in which i had started going to church, reading my Bible, getting my life together again. i started seeing rachel get super messed up. she couldnt handle life anymore. any coping mechanisms she had were gone. she was totally dependent on drugs. i didnt even ask her to quit! all i asked was that when she hung out with me she hung out with me sober. i didnt want to be around her when she was high. when i wasnt walking right with God i had tried to be the "cool sober friend". the friend that didnt smoke or do drugs but you could be open about what you did. i know now that that was a wrong way to live. in my defense i had told rachel from the very beginning that if she ever started using anything other than pot id stop talking to her. i didnt lie about that. i come from a family of addicts. i didnt pick my family. but i can pick my friends. why on earth would i pick addicts!? she just didnt get it. she kept using. when i finally brought it to her attention that i had had it she dropped me. it sucks. now i hear all sorts of horror stories about rachel. i dont know what to do. she and i were so close and now i dont even know her. i dont hear from sharon either. its sucks so much. what do i do? what can i do? ive been praying. i put it in Gods hands.

i miss my mom. SO much. i miss my grandma. i love going to my moms because its three generations of us. my grandma had my mom and my mom had me. there wont be another one like us til i have a girl. my grandma always says that too. she always tells me, 'sarah elena you HAVE to have a girl first.' its pretty cute if you think about it. they make me happy. i fit in so perfectly with them. with my grandma. she and i can sit there and talk about our walks with God for hours. its perfect. she has the most faith ive ever seen. her heart is for God and only God. she even tells me that she wants us to go on a mission together. id love that. to go and speak the word of Father God with her.

my 21st birthday is next month. why do i not see my friends doing anything for me? im not trying to sound ungrateful. honest. just sad. i tried to throw a really happy birthday for san on her 21st, i tried to make hudsons birthday fun, i try. i know i try. but when my birthday rolls around im usually the one doing all the stuff for it. this year, ive decided that i dont want to have a party. i dont feel like throwing a party for myself to be completely honest. so i think i'll have a little kick back with my family where we have some bbq and just hang out. if my friends want to do something im going to make that up to them. ideally id love to go to disneyland. a smallish group of us. maybe like ten tops will that happen. i doubt it.

wow this blog is just a pityfest. im probably just going to go to bed. OH WAIT I CANT! i still have to type my paper. oh nuts! at least my paper is written. it just needs to be type. i know its not the hard part but sometimes it feels like the hard part. to be totally honest i'll probably just save it til tomorrow before class. i really dont feel like it right now. its not on the top of my list for things to do. i kinda wanna go curl up on my bed and just snuggle with my blankie and go to bed.

im so stuffed up. im getting sick again. LAME. oh well. oh and i quit the whole vegetarian thing AGAIN. i just cant stick with it. i feel bad but it happens. im not going to eat red meat. i dont really like it any ways. just chickens, and turkeys ... so birds pretty much. yummy birds! this is losing its purpose. for some reason im really missing cassie. i miss going to the infirmary and hanging out with her on my offs and just hanging out with her. she always brightened my day. her and clare. they were my girls! i hope things can be that way when the summer starts up again. we'll see.

i think im done. school tomorrow. its a welcomed distraction from all of this.