"Mercy child you dont have to sing the shalma rama a ding dong song"

tonight was my first night of my international school of ministry class. i honestly dont know how i feel about it. i mean i liked the class. that was fine. then bobby started talking about tongues. oi. tongues has always freaked me out. always. ever since i was a kid and we went to a pentecostal church. no thanks not for me. to be honest i used to just shrug the whole spiritual gifts thing off. it wasnt until i got older and my walk got a lot stronger that the opportunity to experience the gifts that Father God gave to me presented themselves to me and i am so grateful for that. i honestly dont think tongues will ever be for me. that didnt stop me from getting freaked out tonight and feeling like a failure of my faith. everything was cool. got our lessons, got our homework all that stuff. bobby came up and started talking about our group discussion which was tongues. he read in the Bible where they used tongues and to prove that like the other spiritual gifts, tongues did not leave with the apostles. even that was fine. i was even diggin on tongues. and then it happened. he asked us all to stand up and that we were going to pray. okay im even good with that. then he tells us we're gonna pray out loud and if we have a prayer language to pray in it and if we feel that we are ready and willing to receive to request out loud for God to give us the gift of tongues. that would be right there where i wigged out. i tried. i honestly tried. i wanted to be able to pray like that. it just wasnt gonna happen. i seriously flipped out. i felt panicked. it was like being in an airport in a different country where no one speaks english and you know something big is happening. thats exactly how i felt. after it was all done everyone left and i kinda sat there a little bit longer thinking about if i wanted to talk to bobby or not. i decided against it, opting to call my grandma instead. she's amazing. seriously there is no better woman in this world than my grandma. she explained everything so perfectly to me. made me feel so much better about the whole thing. the best thing she could have ever said was, "Mercy child you dont have to sing the shalma rama a ding dong song". shes so cute. she reassured me that im not a failure of my faith. i just dont have the gift of tongues. if thats all it is then dude im totally good with it. totally not about it haha. i dont know if tongues is gonna always freak me out. heck, who knows maybe some day Father God will put it on me to speak in tongues. id really rather not though.

besides that, today was mildly uneventful. school was really all i did. i have a couple papers i need to get to writing. my life is going to be taking an insanely busy turn here pretty soon. between multiple sclerosis camp and then going to vegas to babysit for a week. after that camp starts up. BUSY BUSY! im good with it though. its summer time this is when my life starts to go crazy and i become part of the circus! i love it though.

and now im watching reservation road. it might possibly be a little too intense for me. we'll see if i make it through. yanno, my life is really looking up right now. God really is blessing me.

we come from the mountains

its so funny, the spot im in right now. this time last year i was working at chilis, dating james and getting ready for the most life changing summer of my life. i was so scared haha. i remember being so sick at camp, crying when anyone mentioned home. if i was crying a day into it and it was only staff week? how in the heck was i gonna last all summer. then james and i broke up. no joke, the best thing that could have happened to me. i dove into my work and just fell in love with the whole experience. working with my kids, getting to know my co-counselors. i made some of the best friends there. people who i bonded with for the simple fact that they understand everything thats going on because they are living it too. i love my work, its intense, but i love it. tonight i was thinking a lot about work. wasnt supposed to go that way. tonight hudson, tiff and myself had had every intention of going to the wcar and tgc show. scratch that, we DID go. it just got shut down before the show could even start. so yanno, slightly discouraged we drove home. we did hit chipotle though. that place always makes your life a little better. or at least make your day a little better. tiff tried to teach me stick. i got some annoying news though that just took me right out of the learning mood. and for some reason, i dont know why, from that point on we just decided to go for a drive, the three of us. it was needed, i wont lie. the three of us did a lot of reflecting. there were moments where the three of us would start screaming cheesy lyrics at the top of our lungs and parts where the music did all the talking for us. it was beautiful. the places where we were driving were up in the hills so it was dark and for the most part the only light was the light from the moon. it was so peaceful. we ended up going to tiffs old camp where she worked. it was cool to see her old camp. blows paivika out of the water size wise. they have their own lake! i thought we were cool with a heated pool.



it kinda makes me laugh though because just a month ago i didnt want to go back to camp. i was willing to push away something i loved in order to try and control my own life when i know for a fact that im not in control. i surrendered control of my life the day i gave my life to God. there is a reason He points me to camp. I think its because He knows how happy it makes me. to think, i was going to give it up for something as stupid as romance. not like there was anyone specific. its just never been a secret that a guy doesnt want a girlfriend that for three months is going to be gone for five to six days at a time and only have two days to be home in between those periods. when i see that, it honestly doesnt seem that demanding. at least not to me. but hell, my last relationship ended over it and most of the dudes ive talked to about it have said they dont want to be in a relationship like that. its only for three months though. one summer. thats it. but for some reason guys cant wrap their minds around it. it kinda sucks if you think about it. to me at least. the only guy i came close to dating straight up told me he wouldnt date me because of camp. he didnt want to feel left behind and needed constant attention. i have my friends telling me that eventually i'll find a guy thats totally okay with it. its a nice thought. i have faith that God is going to bring me my future husband. i have no doubt in that. some where right now He is preparing that man for me and preparing me for that man. its such an exciting thought really. i need to go back to camp. already two people have been put in my life that are looking for someone to talk to them about Christ and the summer isnt even here yet. one girl i talked with last summer but because my walk wasnt going so hot then i didnt really peruse her and instead of nurturing the seed id planted in her i just left it to fend for itself. WRONG. this year is going to be different. ive talked to her since then and shes actually brought it up and wants to talk more about it. and i guess one of my co counselors has a friend that is "kinda" a christian. i dont know how that works but he said she and i would get on great and he thinks id be an amazing influence in her life. that right there screams at me that i need to be at camp. i need to be up there, first of all doing work that i love, second of all two doors for ministry have already opened to me, and third i just need it. thats all there is to it. and thats whats going to happen. im going to camp. camp paivika here i come! i'm packing my bags and i'll be up there to spend my second summer and to be so freaking happy. if a man cant love me or even give himself the chance to love me thats on him because guess what, im worth it. im a daughter of the one true and living God. i KNOW i am worth love. if i am faithful so will God be faithful. it may not happen today, tomorrow, next year but when it does happen, oh man watch out because i know it will be a love meant by God. SO STOKED! haha. right now i need to focus on my precious Lord and Savior, getting ready for finals and camp. i just need to get ready for life. if I find someone to care about before camp and he thinks he can handle my intense schedule for summer, right on. if not, i have my faith, my campers and my mountain. watch out cause i'll freaking rock your face off. true story.