this is kind of me just freaking out about my life...youve been warned

School is still over a month and a half away and im already stressing out about it. im going full time this go around instead of just a little bit. i wasnt even part time last semester. i took ONE class. i was lame i can admit that. my life is so weird right now. i dont know. part of me just wants to pack everything up and move to my moms or somewhere completely different. im planning on going to alaska with cole. I cant believe he actually agreed to go with me. its GREAT. i mean, not only do i have someone to go with but im actually going with someone i get along with and someone who can actually hang. i love love LOVE my friends but i dont know many of them that would find getting up in the middle of the night in the freezing cold to see the northern lights as a good time. its my dream though and cole is just crazy enough to come along.

the family that i work for, kristen my boss, is a teacher and talking to her is really helping me with figuring out everything for my life and all since thats what i am going to school for, to ultimately be a teacher. its also freaking me out though. im constantly feeling trapped by knowing exactly what i want in life. i dont know if this is a phase or what it is. but im sitting here and thinking about my plan for life.

*go to school
*meet the right guy
*get married
*graduate
*find a school to work at
*have children
*HOPEFULLY be a stay at home mom
*watch my children grow up
*grow old with the man i love

thats my plan. thats EXACTLY what i want. i know it all by heart but right now at twenty one im freaking out and wondering if that is really what i want. will i be happy with that plan? ugh what the frick is wrong with me!? this is my dream! and here i am second guessing myself. i know what brought it all on too. i was at the park yesterday with aiden and this park dad started to make conversation with me while aiden played with his sons. he just right off the bat assumed that aiden was mine. i dont blame him. young girl with a baby is not a rare thing in this town. but it was actually bothering me that he thought aiden was mine. that he just assumed i was his mother. and then i started looking around me, this was his life, taking his kids to the park and just hanging out. i dont want that. not at this age! i want to be a little kid again when i could do anything! when i was a little kid i wanted like five different jobs. i mean i actually cared about school. i havent cared about school since jr high when i cared more about fitting in. and here i am at twenty-one and frick just a week ago i was totally good with getting married, having babies and just doing whatever and now its like 'eff that i wanna actually do stuff!' i wanna travel, i want to experience so many different things. i know im just freaking myself out. i need to knock it off. i really am my mothers child. uncontrollably neurotic. freaking a.

i know what God put me on this earth to do. Ive always know. To be a mother. to love and nurture my children. im just being foolish and stressing out about something that doesnt even matter. im scared of something that isnt going to happen tomorrow.
im not having to give anything up right now. im just being silly. i know that.



ive always had this pressure though. not a pressure that anyone has ever put on me but that ive put on myself. ive always put this standard on myself that i dont know if it was on purpose, well, yeah, it was on purpose that i fell short. i made myself fall short of these standards that i put on myself. which just made me push myself twice as hard to try and make up for my own stupidity. im still that same person. i still do that to myself. im going to learn one day, at least i hope im going to, that i dont need to put standards on myself. i feel like i have to be this person for my moms side of the family. that i need to succeed because my mother has said shes putting all her hopes and dreams on me. i feel like i need to go to college and do a great job and live a great job to prove something to them. i feel like this is a standard that maybe pookie puts on herself too. im not totally sure. and then my dads side of the family, HA, any hopes or dreams they had for me im sure they are totally over.im not who i was when i was little and that just pisses them off. im not a little blonde girl who, wears dresses, listens to the backstreet boys and wants to be a veterinarian anymore. no now im the freaking hell spawn in their eyes. it hurts. especially when pops agrees with them. but hes a product of them. cant blame him for that.

i love that people feel like they can come to me and talk to me. i freaking LOVE it that they feel like they can trust me enough with the things going on in their lives. its a huge compliment and in the end i hope i can help them out with their problems and jazz. sometimes it kinda puts me on overload though. like, the problems are what dominates our friendship. that the only reason you call or the only reason we talk is because ultimately you NEED to talk. i hate that. i dont want to feel that way but its unfortunately how i end up feeling. what really takes the cake it when i need to talk and there doesnt seem to be anyone around when in reality there is always someone there i just am too afraid of making people feel the way i feel. i dont ever want someone to think the only reason i am calling or the only reason i end up on your door step is because i need someone. i hate that term too. 'need someone'. i dont ever want to need anyone but it happens that way.im too freaking prideful. its a shame.

i need to get to vegas. i need to just go to my moms and hang out. see my boys, love on my grandma, hang out with pook who is insane and just all in all be a part of the freak show that is my family. this weekend should be epic. hitting the mountain to hang out with everyone for colins birthday. that drive at night is going to suck but yanno, im not that worried about it. ive been going up and down that mountain my whole life.

im such a mess right now. and to be honest, reading this, i cant help but laugh at myself. im twenty one and im acting like im thirty and have nothing to show for my life. i need to take a freaking chill pill and relax holy crap.

yep vacation here i come. i need to start acting a little bit younger than i feel(and i feel dang near close to fifty blah!)

'and there was revelationS and it bugged me'

so my friggin life. what. the. crap. so summer started and everything was going dandy. i was all about it. everything was spiffy. yeah that was up until i quit my job at camp. im not going to go into it. its pretty much ridiculous on everyone's part but it is what it is honestly. my friends are pretty amazing though. before i quit i managed to see some of my really good friends that ive been missing for the longest time. i developed a womance. freaking epic. love love love it. and honestly things have just been so dang lazy the past couple of days. ive honestly just been hanging out with hudson and doing nothing. vegging on the couch and watching movies. enjoying a little summer vacation like i havent been able to do for a long while. oh well.

im so tired right now i dont even know why i am writing this. i was in bed. nice and cuddled in. but a boy told me to get up and chat with him on facebook even though were were texting. so i did. and now here i sit. speaking of this boy, mercy i have to tell you a funny freaking story. so last night hudson and i were freaking BORED. we could not think of anything to do. so we were looking at pets on craigslist and decided to check out the singles pages on there. its full of weirdos! so just for the heck of it were were both going to post on there, just to see what kind of people replied. we were going to post the same ad just different pictures. obviously a picture of him and a picture of me. i posted mine but freaking craigslist wouldnt let him post his because it was too much like mine. that sucked, but anyways, we waited a little bit and slowly but surely the replies started rolling in. we checked like ten last night thinking that was a lot. i woke up this morning and have effing THIRTY FIVE REPLIES! are you kidding me!? thirty five!? mercy! i cant talk too much crap because we replied to a couple of the dudes. only two. but one of them hud and i were given the chance to share The Word of God with him and help him to understand a specific situation going on in his life and then another person that i replied to was going through some really crazy crappy stuff and i was able to be there for him and just offer a shoulder for him vent to. i think its freaking great that out of something that we thought would just be silly i manged to kinda help or at least i hope help two people. they are pretty decent human beings too, or at least that is the impression i get from them haha.

tonight i went and saw both of hudsons bands play. it was a good time. i only stayed for one band though. after that i boned out and headed home. it was nice to be home and just relax. watched a little tv and then cuddled down in bed. i was so comfy and then friggin nic asked me to get on facebook. and i did obviously because here i sit updating this thing. haha.

this thing is so pointless. im over it. im gonna finish this conversation with hudson and go to bed. until the next time i feel inspired or something close to it haha.