Your name is glorious!

Freaking A I never update this thing! my life is just going cuckoo bananas right now. So much is going on. Between trying to get everything packed for moving, working full time, church and still trying to maintain some sort of social life. its INSANE! i dont know, im going through hard stuff that shouldnt be so hard. i feel like the only time i have peace is when i am at church, a place where i know i could scream, cry, pull my hair out and no one would judge, they would just love me. its a safe feeling. i'm only twenty one and i feel like im turning fifty! i feel this heaviness in my bones. i had a little bit of a freak out on poor hudson today. praise God for him. if i didnt have that boy i dont know what i would do. he just lets me be sad or angry or whatever emotion i need to feel at that moment. i was so upset earlier. i officially broke. and the poor guy happened to answer his phone. i felt bad after but so grateful to have someone that i can talk to and just get it all out. he really is what a true friend is.

i hate that i am so overwhelmed with things. i take on too much. i always have. the sad part is i KNOW i am taking on too much but i still do it. on top of working nine hour days i'm helping get everything packed up for the move when i get home on top of that i'm running crazy errands that take me all over the place and just doing TOO MUCH! i keep telling people they need to pray for stillness when i am the one that really needs it. im the one everyone comes to when they need to talk, or they need a favor. im freaking stoked people find me to be that reliably, i just need to catch my breath! i actually got the a place where i thought i could handle a relationship too. Obviously God knows my heart and limitations better than i do and squashed that real fast before i had any real chance of getting hurt. i was more frustrated with the whole thing. i've been single for over a year now and honestly i needed it. i needed to be single in order to get closer to God and to find my perfect companionship in Him. i wont lie though, this guy was a man of God and seemed genuinely nice. granted he wasnt everything i might have wanted in someone and maybe i wasnt insanely stoked on the lack of physical attraction, we had fun, we got along and he was passionate about God. in my mind that was enough. obviously God has other plans for me. i'm at peace with that though. i dont doubt God.i know He's got something good for me. or rather someone good for me.

i cant wait for the day i stop comparing myself to everyone else and i finally become satisfied with the woman i am. my biggest fear? finding that that satisfaction never comes. maybe one of these days i'll stop being such an insecure little girl hiding behind my own self inflicted walls.

i am constantly tired. no matter how much sleep i get i never feel rested. what is going on with you body? catch up already!