sadness; gloom; dejection

When I was a little kid my life was anything but stable. My parent never got along with one another, my mom's marriage was crazy and my dad's marriage was crazy. My relationship with my mom fell apart around the same time my dad's marriage fell apart. I remember my dad getting really depressed. Seeing him get upset, have no energy, yell one second and cry the next and I think I started to "learn" how to be depressed. It was in those years when I was eight years old that I was taught that when you are sad you stay sad and nothing will make it better. I do believe that depression is a genetic thing, that it can be passed down from your parents. But I also believe that you have to be given some sort of ... tutorial? Hmmm ... yeah, I guess a tutorial on how to be depressed. At least I did. Before eight years old when I was sad I would cry, or get mad, take it out on my barbies and go about my day. I would, I guess, get over it. The more I saw my dad though, the more I learned that when you get sad you stay sad. And with having the depression gene already in my DNA it only intensified. My dad never believed in medicating. He never wanted me to be medicated. For as long as I can remember I have been seeing therapists. However, I bounced around from shrink to shrink because of how against medication my father is. I would go to a couple sessions, the doctor would diagnose me as manic depressive, prescribe me medication and then I would never see that doctor again. I think that hurt me more than it helped me in the long run. It only solidified my pre-existing issues with abandonment, and inconsistency. It was at that young age that I developed the mentality that the bottom WILL always fall out. I knew walking into the office that this doctor wouldn't last very long so why open up? I would just keep it all inside, or well, most of it. I never really opened up to people when I was younger. I didn't want to. I never thought of my dad and I as homeless when I was a kid but now I see that we were. We stayed with people, friends of my dad's, family, our car ect ect. Sometimes I look back and think, 'does that have anything to do with why I view my life the way I do'? I don't want you to think that my life is always doom and gloom. It did get better. I met who would be my best friend for over nine years. She was just as jacked as me, and there was almost something comforting in seeing someone my age feeling the things that I was feeling instead of only having my dad as my depression role model. Things were good. I actually got better having someone to experience things together and get better with together. The thing with depression is you never really get better. Especially when you've never been given the chance to see if medication would actually work for you. I'm not sitting here anything that I think every person should be medicated. What I am saying is that I believe depression is equal parts chemical imbalance to equal parts emotional dependency. Do I think that medication could help me? Hell, after fourteen years I'm willing to at least try! Especially now. I'm getting married in three months. Shouldn't I be over the moon? I knew stress was going to inevitably be involved but I never thought it would be to the point where I want to end my relationship. And that's exactly where I am right now. I don't want to be in a relationship, I don't want to get married. I want to be on my own again. I don't know if its the solitude I miss, or what. I'm learning to hate the relationship I'm in. I catch myself thinking that Chase just has no idea what he's doing when I comes to depression and bpd. He just wants to fix everything, he wants to be the reason everything gets better and recently he's been the reason everything has been getting worse. No matter how many times I try to explain things to him he doesn't hear me. I don't know where things went wrong in our relationship. He can be so rude now, just sit there, talk over me, make up crap reasons for this or that which in turn makes me this awful, mean person, thus making me more upset, more depressed, and ultimately more resentful. I'm alone right now. I felt like the only person I could really connect with, before Chase and I got together, was Hudson. He was my constant, the bottom that never fell out. Granted things fell apart with our friendship because Chase and I got more serious, but now I miss him. I wish he was still around. I don't feel right feeling so alone when I have all these people around me, showering me in love. Is there such a thing as bad love? I don't mean unhealthy, or crazy love that a stalker has or something. I mean love that is just what someone needs, healthy, happy, positive love but instead of feeling all those things you feel more alone than ever and almost suffocated by that love. It makes me feel like I'm ungrateful for all of this affection, for all of this love, that its making me run screaming for the hills. I wish Chase understood. I wish he could see that he can't fix everything. That I am going to have my bad days but that I will come back to him. Maybe its all just too much for him. He's been through bad things with his family. Drama, depression, conflict and confrontation. And because of all that it makes me think that he wanted a simple girl. And I unfortunately, I think he may have initially thought I was one of those simply girls and obviously I'm not. Maybe three years isn't enough time to know someone. I'm nothing like the old girls he was into. He always like skinny, hardcore trophy girls. And as much as he wants to deny that, I've seen his ex, I've seen the girls. I'm not blind. I keep my eyes and ears open. I pay close freaking attention. Maybe too close. I just don't know. Here I am, sitting here, avoiding his calls and honestly not knowing what my next move is going to be. The unfortunate, cliche truth is I'm depressed, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm suffocated, I'm alone and its the most comfortable I've been in a long time....