Damn insecurities.

It seems like all I ever use this thing for is to vent or just let out an emotional breakdown. I feel like Chase and I are already an old married couple. I feel like no matter what nothing is going to spice up the relationship. Granted we are limited on what we do because of how we feel about that. But even something as simple as making out. I feel like thats not something he wants to do with me any more. I mean, mercy there was a time in our relationship when I had to ask Chase to mellow out a little because maybe that kind of affection was appropriate for where we were or what we were doing. But now? Now I feel like I would have to beg him to actually hold still and kiss me. Is it supposed to be like this? Is this part of getting so close to the wedding? We just are so stress with everything that being close, cuddley, and what have you just isn't something that we're supposed to want to do? Because if thats the case, I missed the memo. We were staying together for almost a month, house sitting for a friend and every night I fell asleep with his back turned to me. I never realized how many insecurities that would stir in me. Granted I have never been the most confident girl on the block but I also do not think I am the least confident either. I can hold my own in most situations. I have always lived by 'fake it til you make it'. That principle gets a little harder to live by when you feel like you're applying it to your future husband. Knowing that I am, not the heaviest but the most .... curvaceous girl Chase has ever dated also always sits in the back of my mind. I'm not really like any of the other girls he's dated. I'm also three years older. So when things like this happen, when I feel like he'd rather be doing anything other than holding me, my mind starts working. I start thinking about the other girlfriends, I start thinking how I am quite different from them, I start thinking how I am three years older then him and it all just makes me feel like he wants out. He will sit there, telling me over and over again that he doesn't, that he loves me, that he wants me to be his wife. Then again maybe all those years I sat there and said that I didn't believe in love has come back to bite me in the ass. I spent so much time saying it wasn't real that when I felt like I had finally found love I expected it to be like the stories, the songs, the books. My head has always told me that it will never be like that but damn it did my heart want it to be. I hate insecurities. I hate them. I hate that I don't know how to look at something and see it as, 'well it is the way it is'. My biggest fear is that Chase will start to look at me the way Chris does. Like I don't matter, like he couldn't be bothered with my existence. Sometimes I catch chase looking at me like that, its only ever after he's spent considerable time with his brother and it doesn't ever last very long. I'm so afraid it will last though and all of this will come to an end. I just wish Chase would look at me like I was beautiful again. Like I was the only one that mattered again. Would you look at that. Damn insecurities.