Damn insecurities.

It seems like all I ever use this thing for is to vent or just let out an emotional breakdown. I feel like Chase and I are already an old married couple. I feel like no matter what nothing is going to spice up the relationship. Granted we are limited on what we do because of how we feel about that. But even something as simple as making out. I feel like thats not something he wants to do with me any more. I mean, mercy there was a time in our relationship when I had to ask Chase to mellow out a little because maybe that kind of affection was appropriate for where we were or what we were doing. But now? Now I feel like I would have to beg him to actually hold still and kiss me. Is it supposed to be like this? Is this part of getting so close to the wedding? We just are so stress with everything that being close, cuddley, and what have you just isn't something that we're supposed to want to do? Because if thats the case, I missed the memo. We were staying together for almost a month, house sitting for a friend and every night I fell asleep with his back turned to me. I never realized how many insecurities that would stir in me. Granted I have never been the most confident girl on the block but I also do not think I am the least confident either. I can hold my own in most situations. I have always lived by 'fake it til you make it'. That principle gets a little harder to live by when you feel like you're applying it to your future husband. Knowing that I am, not the heaviest but the most .... curvaceous girl Chase has ever dated also always sits in the back of my mind. I'm not really like any of the other girls he's dated. I'm also three years older. So when things like this happen, when I feel like he'd rather be doing anything other than holding me, my mind starts working. I start thinking about the other girlfriends, I start thinking how I am quite different from them, I start thinking how I am three years older then him and it all just makes me feel like he wants out. He will sit there, telling me over and over again that he doesn't, that he loves me, that he wants me to be his wife. Then again maybe all those years I sat there and said that I didn't believe in love has come back to bite me in the ass. I spent so much time saying it wasn't real that when I felt like I had finally found love I expected it to be like the stories, the songs, the books. My head has always told me that it will never be like that but damn it did my heart want it to be. I hate insecurities. I hate them. I hate that I don't know how to look at something and see it as, 'well it is the way it is'. My biggest fear is that Chase will start to look at me the way Chris does. Like I don't matter, like he couldn't be bothered with my existence. Sometimes I catch chase looking at me like that, its only ever after he's spent considerable time with his brother and it doesn't ever last very long. I'm so afraid it will last though and all of this will come to an end. I just wish Chase would look at me like I was beautiful again. Like I was the only one that mattered again. Would you look at that. Damn insecurities.

Is it wrong that this cheered me up a little?

all the benefits of pet fish without the possibility of death, having to feed them, or worry about cleaning the bowl. Sounds good to me!

sadness; gloom; dejection

When I was a little kid my life was anything but stable. My parent never got along with one another, my mom's marriage was crazy and my dad's marriage was crazy. My relationship with my mom fell apart around the same time my dad's marriage fell apart. I remember my dad getting really depressed. Seeing him get upset, have no energy, yell one second and cry the next and I think I started to "learn" how to be depressed. It was in those years when I was eight years old that I was taught that when you are sad you stay sad and nothing will make it better. I do believe that depression is a genetic thing, that it can be passed down from your parents. But I also believe that you have to be given some sort of ... tutorial? Hmmm ... yeah, I guess a tutorial on how to be depressed. At least I did. Before eight years old when I was sad I would cry, or get mad, take it out on my barbies and go about my day. I would, I guess, get over it. The more I saw my dad though, the more I learned that when you get sad you stay sad. And with having the depression gene already in my DNA it only intensified. My dad never believed in medicating. He never wanted me to be medicated. For as long as I can remember I have been seeing therapists. However, I bounced around from shrink to shrink because of how against medication my father is. I would go to a couple sessions, the doctor would diagnose me as manic depressive, prescribe me medication and then I would never see that doctor again. I think that hurt me more than it helped me in the long run. It only solidified my pre-existing issues with abandonment, and inconsistency. It was at that young age that I developed the mentality that the bottom WILL always fall out. I knew walking into the office that this doctor wouldn't last very long so why open up? I would just keep it all inside, or well, most of it. I never really opened up to people when I was younger. I didn't want to. I never thought of my dad and I as homeless when I was a kid but now I see that we were. We stayed with people, friends of my dad's, family, our car ect ect. Sometimes I look back and think, 'does that have anything to do with why I view my life the way I do'? I don't want you to think that my life is always doom and gloom. It did get better. I met who would be my best friend for over nine years. She was just as jacked as me, and there was almost something comforting in seeing someone my age feeling the things that I was feeling instead of only having my dad as my depression role model. Things were good. I actually got better having someone to experience things together and get better with together. The thing with depression is you never really get better. Especially when you've never been given the chance to see if medication would actually work for you. I'm not sitting here anything that I think every person should be medicated. What I am saying is that I believe depression is equal parts chemical imbalance to equal parts emotional dependency. Do I think that medication could help me? Hell, after fourteen years I'm willing to at least try! Especially now. I'm getting married in three months. Shouldn't I be over the moon? I knew stress was going to inevitably be involved but I never thought it would be to the point where I want to end my relationship. And that's exactly where I am right now. I don't want to be in a relationship, I don't want to get married. I want to be on my own again. I don't know if its the solitude I miss, or what. I'm learning to hate the relationship I'm in. I catch myself thinking that Chase just has no idea what he's doing when I comes to depression and bpd. He just wants to fix everything, he wants to be the reason everything gets better and recently he's been the reason everything has been getting worse. No matter how many times I try to explain things to him he doesn't hear me. I don't know where things went wrong in our relationship. He can be so rude now, just sit there, talk over me, make up crap reasons for this or that which in turn makes me this awful, mean person, thus making me more upset, more depressed, and ultimately more resentful. I'm alone right now. I felt like the only person I could really connect with, before Chase and I got together, was Hudson. He was my constant, the bottom that never fell out. Granted things fell apart with our friendship because Chase and I got more serious, but now I miss him. I wish he was still around. I don't feel right feeling so alone when I have all these people around me, showering me in love. Is there such a thing as bad love? I don't mean unhealthy, or crazy love that a stalker has or something. I mean love that is just what someone needs, healthy, happy, positive love but instead of feeling all those things you feel more alone than ever and almost suffocated by that love. It makes me feel like I'm ungrateful for all of this affection, for all of this love, that its making me run screaming for the hills. I wish Chase understood. I wish he could see that he can't fix everything. That I am going to have my bad days but that I will come back to him. Maybe its all just too much for him. He's been through bad things with his family. Drama, depression, conflict and confrontation. And because of all that it makes me think that he wanted a simple girl. And I unfortunately, I think he may have initially thought I was one of those simply girls and obviously I'm not. Maybe three years isn't enough time to know someone. I'm nothing like the old girls he was into. He always like skinny, hardcore trophy girls. And as much as he wants to deny that, I've seen his ex, I've seen the girls. I'm not blind. I keep my eyes and ears open. I pay close freaking attention. Maybe too close. I just don't know. Here I am, sitting here, avoiding his calls and honestly not knowing what my next move is going to be. The unfortunate, cliche truth is I'm depressed, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm suffocated, I'm alone and its the most comfortable I've been in a long time....

Its a nice day for a white wedding

I almost feel like my wedding is in limbo. I know what I want, I know what I think would be awesome and would make the day ideal, memorable and all together perfect and now I come to find out that its totally different from what Chase wants. Don't get me wrong in the beginning he and I were on the same page as far as wedding ideals were but after this long discussion with my dad last night I realized that all the crap was for other people and honestly I just want to get married, have some candles, a soft breeze and some chicken(my new hubby too of course!) Then to top it all off the awesome miss kaelah posted today with some AMAZING pictures of small, intimate weddings. Exactly what I want. Now if only I could convince the groom. So for your viewing pleasure I thought I'd post a couple of my favorites!

blog envy

I find myself having blog envy!! I see all of these awesome, cute, spectacular blogs AND I WANT ONE! chase tried to help me figure it out last night and we totally failed ha. so now I'm left to sit here wondering how people have such fantastic blog layouts. maybe one of these days I'll get up the guts to ask someone.

a post of more valuable substance will be coming later tonight. as of right now i'm in lurker status not so much writer status haha!

I need to learn to love myself!

This past week Chase and I have been house sitting for Kristen, and honestly I think it has been possibly one of the best things for Chase and I.We're kinda living with one another and while I don't exactly think I could live full time with someone I wasn't married to, I can see why someone would do it with their partner. It really lets you know if you could be with this person all the time, always around. The funny part is everyone says the guys are so messy and the women are the clean ones BUT ha, Chase has discovered that while I am not dirty I am not exactly organized. We're both having to chill out a little more. Its something I see us definitely needing to work on once we're married.
Something else I've started to realize that I need to get through my hair is that I need to learn to love myself! My entire life my ideal of beauty has been defined by how thin my body is. With my ex it was really easy to get caught up in that because he was always pushing me to be thinner, to be prettier, to be better. I lost, now looking back on it, too much weight, covered up all my tattoos(something that I always thought made me pretty), took out my piercings, quiet, agreeable. All of these things to be pretty. I was pushed so hard to be something and someone that maybe I wanted to be but ultimately I never would be. And then there was Chase. Someone I've know for three years now, someone who finds me beautiful just the way I am. Chubby, tattooed, pierced, opinionated, passionate. Me. Now that I'm here, with this man that loves me, is going to marry me and I find myself at times actually wanting to sabotage our relationship because I don't feel good enough and I feel that the deserves someone skinnier, prettier, better. I mean, COME ON! When am I going to wake up and figure out that I am what he wants, that I'm beautiful to him, that I am the women he loves, that he wants to have babies with. All of these things. When am I going to stop living in a world where my ideal of self worth is defined by the scale. Its such crap. I want to learn how to be pretty and how to love myself regardless if the scale says a little more today or if I'm not as small as some of these other girls. I need to learn how to stop being a dick to Chase just because I think he deserves better. One of these days I'm gonna get it....I hope :]

Goin to the chapel.....not quite yet

I'm kind of agitated at the moment. Not at any one thing or any one person but rather just where my life is right now. I need a creative outlet and thus far I haven't been able to find just the right one that will satisfy my need. I think I've picked my centerpieces though. I freaking love these!



I think it goes with the whole look and feel of the wedding. I don't see it costing us a whole lot either. I've been looking into it and they jars will probably cost the most at a wopping ten bucks for 20. I dont even need twenty tables! So I think we're in good shape. Just gotta sell my mom on the idea. To be honest, she's been very agreeable with pretty much whatever I want for this wedding. Now I need to just be patient for June when I go out there and get to actually bring the wedding stuff to life! So excited for all of this!!

I need to finish my house work. Until next time lovelies!
x

Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake

This thing is too easy to ignore and neglect. I probably shouldnt considering I end up holding everything inside and it all so totally backfires on me. Never a good thing. So the ball is officially rolling on the wedding. Chase and I began our premarrital counseling today. It was good. I enjoyed it. Parts of it are a little uncomfortable because we are touching on things that I may not exactly be comfortable talking about but ultimately I KNOW this is what Chase and I need to do before the wedding. We have so much growing to do before we do this. But I know growing up in this and in us together is going to help us so much. I mean, I'm finding out who I am with Chase. It feels like a mirecal to me. I love it. I know everyone is talking about their goals for the new year and part of me thinks its really stupid. I mean, why do you need a new year to start goals and things like that? I'm so ready to just get serious about things. My weight, my self esteem, those are things that I need to fix. I need to love myself and do it the right way. The only time I have ever been happy with myself is when I am fit and the only way I am fit is when I am doing it the wrong way. I refuse to do that to myself again. So! With that being said, I am going to buy myself some Special K, take Aiden on a walk every day, no sodas, lots of water, and either working out on the eliptical or doing the wii fit. I need to have lots of cardio. I currently weight 156lbs. Thats the heaviest I have weighed since I was around sixteen. I need to get down back to around 125-130lbs. Thats where I need to be. I would like to be there by my birthday (March 22) no one can do it but me and I am going to do it. The weight comes off when I am diligent about it. Time to be dilegent. Its just so damn easy not to eat or to eat bad with my job. Trying to keep up with Aiden, and snacking on all the wrong things, crap like that. I have to knock it off. Its not okay for me to do. Chase deserves my best and I havent been giving it to him. The time is now. Gotta get serious about this. And I know I can do it. But as it is right now, I'm going to take a bath and get ready for tomorrow; a new day. Cant wait!